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The Doctor's Consultation:
by Dr. Iain Corness
Breast Augmentation – yesterday and today
One of the commonest cosmetic
procedures all over the world is breast augmentation. And people come from
all over the world to Thailand to have this done. Why? Well cost is a prime
factor in promoting medical tourism, but even before that, there must be a
demand for the procedure.
Breast size and women’s well-being have been inexplicably intertwined for
centuries. Perhaps it is the result of the young male baby being weaned at
an early age and longing for those palpably bounteous days again for the
rest of his life! For whatever reason, an “acceptable” breast size means
much to many.
There is also the fact that none of us like getting older, or appearing
older, and most women after feeding their children end up with smaller
breasts, and less fulsome. Consequently, breast augmentation and breast
lifting returns the woman’s figure to that which she had in her late teens,
early 20’s.
Chasing the ideal shape has even resulted in patents being awarded to
various ‘strap-on’ devices, such as Mrs Anne McLean’s patented cone-shaped
wire spring devices in 1858.
The medical profession was also interested and a brave chap by the name of
Gersuny (and an even braver female patient) tried paraffin injections in
1889, with disastrous results (for the lady and to his reputation). He was
followed by Czerny, who made the first recorded surgical attempt to enlarge
the breasts in 1895, when he attempted to transplant a lipoma (fatty tissue
tumour) from the back of an actress to her breasts. This did not result in a
string of actresses with lipomata beating a pathway to his surgery! Surgery
gave up (temporarily) at that point.
After this, it was a return to the ‘smoke and mirrors’ approach with various
push-up or push-out and “push-off you dirty old man” brassieres. Or various
creams and potions of doubtful value and little pleasing result, other than
for the not unwilling male masseurs.
However, immediately post WWII, Berson in 1945 and Maliniac in 1950
performed a dermafat flap, while Pangman introduced the Ivalon sponge in
1950, and various synthetics were used throughout the 1950s and 1960s,
including silicone injections. Unfortunately, all of these resulted in long
and short-term disasters.
However, while handling a bag of blood in 1961, Baylor University surgical
resident Frank Gerow noted how much it felt like a woman’s breast. He and
Thomas Cronin then went on to invent the silicone breast implant. It is
reported that at the time, it was seen as a safer alternative to injecting
silicone straight into the breasts, a method pioneered by Japanese
prostitutes in postwar Yokohama and later popularized by San Francisco
stripper Carol Doda.
By 1963, Cronin and Gerow had developed the first silicone gel breast
implant in conjunction with the Dow Corning Corporation. This was the start
of reproducible results, and the art of breast augmentation really kicked
on. Dow Corning were of course not alone, and many manufacturers produced
implants for flat ladies all over the world.
However, in the 1970’s there were claims that the silicone gel produced all
kinds of ailments, and as soon as the lawyers became involved, manufacturers
were left with mounds of quivering gel, while the courtroom battles ensued.
Quite frankly, it is difficult to defend your position against a claim, when
the American courts make you prove that whatever is claimed against your
product couldn’t happen. There is always a ‘possibility’ that something
‘could’ happen with human biology.
But the demand from the ladies was still there, so saline implants were
next, but there are even problems here too. Every augmentation has its
risks.
So what are the common problems? First off, deflation. In one large study in
the USA, deflation occurred in 21 (2.1%) of 960 implants. Next is infection.
Overall, infections occurred in 6 (0.63%) of 960 implants. Capsular
contractions are another large (or enlarged) problem. In this study, a total
of 25 of the 960 implants had problems, making an overall rate of 2.6
percent. The end result indicating that 95 percent had no problems.
For whatever reason you would like augmentation, it is a (relatively) ‘safe’
procedure that can change your outlook (and how you look) for ever. Just
remember to consult a registered cosmetic surgeon!
Heart to Heart
with Hillary
 Dear
Hillary,
My Thai girlfriend gets dressed in white gear and goes to Bangkok every
couple of months to go to the large temple complex there (I’m sorry I’ve
forgotten the name). She leaves early in the morning and gets back late
that night and generally has a couple of her girlfriends with her for
the trip, but whether they go to the temple as well, I don’t know. I
know 90 percent of Thais are Buddhists, but is this normal? If we get
married would she still do this? I don’t like to doubt her, but I’ve
heard so many bad stories about Thai girls. The last time was at the end
of May.
Left Behind
Dear Lefty,
You are wrong in your percentages, Petal. At last count it was 94
percent who follow Buddhism. It is normal for Thais with a deep
religious faith to want to go to the temple to make merit, and if you
have a mature enough relationship, then undoubtedly she will be making
merit for you too. I really don’t think she would be going through the
ritual of white clothing if all she wanted to do was get out of the
domestic restraints and go on the ran-tan in Bangkok. The religious
event at the end of May is Visakha Bucha, a very significant event on
the Buddhist calendar and marked as a public holiday. If you thought a
little more about your girlfriend’s needs, you would also know the name
of the temple she is going to. You should even go with her on one trip.
You don’t have to be a Buddhist to appreciate the depth of information
and teachings that are in the religion. You are a lucky man. You do not
deserve her. She would also expect the freedom to practice her religion
in her relationship with you. Just the same as you would with yours. (If
you have one!)
Dear Hillary,
I do hope that Pensioner Andy was writing his letter to you with tongue
in cheek, otherwise we will be besieged by similar idiots. Every trap in
the book has been used on him, and he doesn’t seem to know. How can
people be so dumb?
Working Willy
Dear Working Willy,
I am so happy that it is still working for you, but just wait until you
are at Pensioner Andy’s age. It might be a case for the magic blue
diamond Vitamin V additive. You are correct when you say Andy’s letter
was tongue in cheek, as was my reply - and then you go on as if it were
the gospel, referring to similar idiots, and every trap in the book, and
being so dumb, for example. I think you are the dumb one, my posturing
Petal. Lighten up. This column is for entertainment, and Andy the
Pensioner gave us some.
Dear Hillary.
Further to your advice on wine, I have always found that supplies from
Carrefour have been stored properly. I can’t afford the stratospheric
prices of your champagne tipples, my lovey wuvey, but the medium to low
end is fine for me. Can you tell me, though, why you can’t buy wine in
the afternoons? It really sticks in my craw when I have loaded up the
trolley and then get told I can’t buy any alcohol until after 5 p.m.
Jeremy
Dear Jeremy,
Thank you for the tip, but I did say the major supermarket chains do
seem to understand what is needed to stop the wine bruising before
opening! The ban on alcohol bottle sales is to stop winos like yourself
getting too tipsy in the afternoons, and falling over and hurting
themselves. Not that it has achieved much, I am afraid. I believe that
the liquor stores should have a notice on their displays to remind you
of the 2 p.m. till 5 p.m. ban. Even better, rope that section off during
the “banned hours”. However, if you have to drink in the afternoons,
just lay down a cellar at home and pull a cork any time you feel like
it.
Dear Hillary,
In many of the bars and clubs (and I don’t mean the ‘gay’ ones), when
you go to the Gentleman’s toilet there will be an attendant standing
there. Just when you’re about to relax the old bladder muscle, some of
these chaps will quietly come up behind you and give you a back and neck
massage while you are at the urinal, and I just do not like this at all.
The majority of my male friends I talk to feel the same, so why do the
proprietors continue to let this happen? There are some clubs I have
stopped going to because of this attendant thing. What’s your advice,
Hillary?
Willy
Dear (another) Willy,
This problem is one that Hillary has no direct understanding of, my
Petal, I can only guess. Us girls do it sitting down, if you didn’t
know. As far as what to do? I am sure a simple “Mai ow, khrap” (no thank
you) would be enough. If that doesn’t work you can always pee on his
foot, rather than on your own, as it seems to be at present!
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Camera Class: by
Harry Flashman
Contre Jour – another French deviation?
 Unfortunately
for those of British stock derivation, the French were first
into photography, so I suppose they are entitled to give us
photographic terms such as ‘Contre Jour’ (literally ‘against the
light’)
However, most photographers (French included) seem to be a
little in awe of Contre Jour photography, and stick to the old
maxim of having the light source (generally the sun) coming from
behind the photographer. If you do this, you will be assured of
a reasonable, but ordinary photograph, which will record your
friend at the beach, and otherwise be totally unmemorable.
No, if you want something a little better, it is time for
‘Contre Jour’. The only difficulty with back-lighting, which is
the other (English) name for ‘Contre Jour’ is in getting the
correct exposure. Going back to the analogy of the girl on the
beach, when you take a full-length shot, the person takes up
around 15 percent of the image in the viewfinder. So 85 percent
of the shot is not really wanted, but from the camera’s point of
view, that 85 percent will predominate in the exposure meter’s
electronic brain.
Now I know that better cameras have ‘center-weighting’ etc etc
etc, but unless you have ‘spot’ metering, the overall exposure
decided by the camera will be an average of the bright back
light and the shadowed subject in the front. This will give you
a dark subject, or even so far as a silhouette, in front of a
well exposed background (in this case, the beach).
With today’s automatic exposure cameras you must understand that
it doesn’t know what it is that you are photographing. It
doesn’t know that the person’s face in the picture is the most
important item. All the camera’s brain can see is a mixture of
bright lights and dark areas and it will give you an exposure to
try and equalize these out. Unfortunately, in conditions of high
contrast in the tropical sun, or back lit, the camera reaches
its limitations and the end result will be underexposure of the
part of the photograph you want. It’s not the camera’s fault -
it just means you have to get smarter.
There are a few ways you can demonstrate your ‘smarts’, and the
simplest is by selective metering. You want the subject to be
correctly exposed, so walk in close to the subject, so the
person fills the frame, and note the exposure values. Now go to
the manual mode in the camera, set the aperture and shutter
speed as per the noted values, then walk back and compose the
shot. The subject person will be correctly exposed against a
bright background. Great shot!
Another one of these methods is by Fill-in flash. Fortunately,
these days many compacts and SLR’s do have the Fill-in flash
mode built in, but many of you do not use it - or even realize
that you have this facility! If you have it - then use it.
Now, for those of you who have the whole kit and caboodle - an
SLR with an off-camera flash, this section is for you. The whole
secret of fill-in flash revolves around flash synchronization
speed. Some of the very latest, and expensive cameras will
synchronize flash and shutter speed all the way through to
1/2000th of a second or better, but the average SLR will
probably say that the synch speed is 1/125th or even only 1/60th
and it is this figure which drives the exposure setting.
Take note of the exposure settings from the position from which
you are going to take the photograph. Now set the off-camera
flash to around the f-stop indicated by the camera’s exposure
meter. In other words, if the camera is going to use f5.6, then
try two shots - one with the flash on f4 and the other on f5.6.
Flashes are notoriously unreliable as to their exact setting,
but by taking the two shots, one will be OK, and the other will
be perfect. A correctly exposed subject against a correctly
exposed background.
The third method is to meter for the entire scene and use a
reflector to lift the exposure on the subject.
Brush up on your French and try ‘Contre Jour’ this weekend.
Money Matters: Graham
Macdonald MBMG International Ltd.
Liquidity and Property, part 1
Let’s try to focus more on this liquidity issue that
we’ve been discussing on and off over the last few months. The liquidity
surfeit that all markets have enjoyed over the last few years, why that will
change and what the consequences of that are likely to be?
Let’s look at UK property which has been rampant over there during the easy
monetary conditions - for the past 5 years interest rates have been
exceptionally low and lending extremely easy to arrange. Individual buyers
have been easily able to change properties, acquire investment properties
and in some cases even acquire second/holiday homes. Developers have been
easily able to launch new projects, virtually willy-nilly. Money supply (M4)
has seen a consequential rapid growth to reach a 12-year high. It is likely,
of course, that increases in the quantity of money are also likely to be
contributing to asset price growth. As Milan Khatri, the chief economist at
the Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors, said last year: “Low interest
rates have been the primary fuel for a surge in property demand, though by
the end of 2006 these will rise.”
Let’s look at speculative development - a survey by de Montfort University,
in Leicester, England, has shown that in 2005 there was £23 billion of
development finance out of a total market size of property lending in the UK
thought to be between £164 billion and £175 billion. Six years earlier at
the turn of the millennium, there was only £9 billion of development
finance. In that year, £3 billion was for residential development for sale,
and £6 billion was for fully pre-let commercial real estate development -
i.e. there was nothing whatsoever for speculative commercial real estate
development.
Though this category hovered between zero and £3 billion for the five years
up to 2004, it shot forward to £5 billion in 2005. By May 2006, The Times
newspaper of London said of this news that “banks have rapidly stepped up
their exposure to speculative development finance, from virtually nothing
five years ago to £5 billion at the end of 2005 ... Lending to speculative
commercial developments, where no business tenants have been signed up in
advance to rent the building, is regarded as risky. In the early 1990s,
excessive bank lending to speculative projects came unstuck when the economy
crashed and developers could not repay their loans ... the rapid increase in
lending to these (speculative) projects is beginning to cause concern among
some property analysts, who fear that banks should be more careful not to
repeat past mistakes.”
The mentality of development is dictated by underlying condition - a typical
property boom feeds on itself becoming a race to borrow, buy, build and
sell. Transactional justifications become ever weaker and deals conclude
that logically should never have been done. Individual and corporate
borrowers overstretch, banks distort their lending criteria beyond what is
appropriate and margins everywhere become totally unsustainable. The
assumption that booms continue forever leads all participants to act as
though this one will with no thought for the consequences.
This is readily highlighted in a micro example. There are 13 occupiers in
the city who currently occupy 1 million square feet or more; one can only
wonder what may happen as they grow their need for space. Some of these
occupiers have forecasted that they will grow their businesses at 5 percent
per annum and that therefore they will each need a further 200,000 square
feet of space within a few short years. Assuming that these forecasts are
accurate, that is another 2.5 million square feet of extra office space.
Many large firms looking for space in the City have started to identify
locations, fuel site assembly plans and, together with a commissioned
architect, design before pre-letting the accommodation from a friendly
partner developer. Essentially, these firms are becoming property developers
to satisfy their new real estate requirements based on an assumption that
they will achieve continued above trend growth. If they fail to hit these
targets, they’ll find themselves holding empty real estate.
Not a problem, they can rent it to someone else who’s growing like crazy.
But what if everyone stops growing like crazy at the same time? And what if
everyone has assumed that they will grow like crazy and corporates and
developers are suddenly awash with property? And what if interest rates are
higher on these heavily leveraged properties at a time when rents, and
therefore capital values, which are in the commercial world determined
almost exclusively by real rental yields? Suddenly a booming market is
contracting more dramatically than it was growing and all those ‘what if’
questions that were never asked are suddenly coming home to roost.
An early warning sign in the UK could be the retail sector, where many
retailers are finding trading conditions difficult, yet the property from
which they trade is becoming increasingly expensive in rental and yield
terms.
In the US the early warning signs are appearing more and more in the
residential sector. The well-known problems in the sub prime mortgage sector
(which all the eternal optimists are having to work overtime to explain why
this should be contained within this sector when logically this should be
the harbinger of wider problems) are migrating up the risk spectrum, with
borrowers now insisting on at least a 5% down payment for Alt A bonds (loans
between sub prime and prime).
Let’s just take a step back - borrowers will now ONLY lend 95% of asset
value to borrowers who aren’t prime and in many cases can’t/won’t document
their income. Not only were they lending 100% to this category before, in
many cases they were lending more than 100%. The assumption here seems to be
that lending 100% today to non-prime borrowers (remember that the importance
of the security or the loan to asset value becomes more significant as the
credit status of the borrower worsens) will be Ok because the loan won’t go
wrong and if it does then in a year’s time the asset will be worth 115% of
today’s value, so a 100 or 105% loan to value doesn’t constitute risk.
Consumers borrowed 100 percent of their home’s value on about 18 percent of
Alt A loans made last year, according to Bear Stearns, the largest
mortgage-bond underwriter. Another 16 percent had loan-to-value ratios above
90 percent as well as limited documentation, they say.
To be continued…
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The above data and research was compiled from sources believed to be
reliable. However, neither MBMG International Ltd nor its officers can accept
any liability for any errors or omissions in the above article nor bear any
responsibility for any losses achieved as a result of any actions taken or not
taken as a consequence of reading the above article. For more information please
contact Graham Macdonald on graham@mbmg-international.com
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Life in Chiang Mai:
by Mark Whitman
Temporarily on holiday in England
Do you like being watched? Do you feel as you stroll,
ride or drive around Chiang Mai that you’re every move is being monitored? I
suspect that the answer is no to both questions.
Perhaps if the first was changed to ‘do you mind being observed in the
interests of security’, the answer would be, not really. However in Thailand
it seems that – at present – the questions are not especially relevant. Even
in banks there seems little intrusive security, let alone in less vulnerable
sites.
In Britain though we now boast some 4.2 million security cameras, one for
every 14 members of the population. Imagine this scenario in Chiang Mai. You
have a busy day around the city. After breakfast you go out for much of the
day, to the gym, the library, the CMU art gallery or a bookshop. You go to a
supermarket and call in at a bank for some cash from the ever ready
dispenser. In the evening you drive or take a tuk tuk to a meal and then to
a bar.
If you have the equivalent busy day out in a major city in Britain,
certainly in London, you will have been photographed or recorded on
videotape some 300 times. Each time you enter a shop, a bank or walk down
the street a security camera will record your actions. As you fill your car
with petrol, cross the traffic lights or enter a hospital or school you will
be on camera.
They are there for surveillance purposes to record speeding offences, to
protect staff in places where cash is used or in hospitals where the
patients routinely attack staff. Even in the more dubious areas of Pattaya
or Bangkok I don’t recall such activity. It is difficult to know what the
Thai people would make of such a situation. More bemusement than distress I
would think.
In Britain they are becoming more and more a cause for concern because of
two recent developments. People are used to them in small town centres where
young people congregate after drinking or a football match. But the two
latest developments and the prospect of I.D. cards have the civil liberties
lobby worried.
The first innovation has been a small flying object weighing about a kilo
which is remotely controlled and zooms around people like a mini helicopter.
It is a camera and offers more flexibility than the fixed position cameras
that are relayed to police stations and traffic control centres.
The second is a non-fashion accessory to the traffic wardens uniform in the
form of a hat sporting a mini camera and microphone. This helps support
evidence of parking offences or –more importantly – threats or violence
against the wardens.
Meanwhile it is just two or three weeks before the smoking ban comes into
force as in other parts of the U.K. The anti smoking campaign has taken
heart from this and there are two further suggestions. The first from the
E.U. is that smoking should be banned near all premises, such as in doorways
where the anti social smokers congregate for their fix.
The other more drastic idea (and this has been around for quite a while) is
that people who smoke should be denied medical operations – except in an
emergency – until they give up the weed. This is on the assumption that many
illnesses are cause by their self harm. It seems easier to simply price
cigarettes out of people’s reach, as is the current trend. A packet of 20
now costs the equivalent of 350 baht and is only likely to go up. The Thai
anti smoking lobby will push for such restrictive measures in the coming
weeks, but will there be anybody around to enforce them?
Films on DVD for Rental in
Chiang Mai: Mr. I. Dewcritique
 After This Our Exile [2006, director: Patrick Tam, Cantonese with English
subtitles]
After This Our Exile carried off almost all the Hong Kong Film Awards this
year so it comes with plenty of recommendation and prestige. Patrick Tam is
a distinguished film-writer and director. He has assembled a fine crew,
including eminent Taiwanese cinematographer Mark Lee Ping Bing, and some
well-known faces from the entertainment world, including his lead Aaron Kwok
and the main female character, Charlie Yeung. It is a peculiarity of the
region that it has all-purpose stars: an entertainment celebrity does not
specialize but sings, dances, stars in films and makes public appearances
whatever his/her main talents are. Aaron, as he is popularly known, has long
been this sort of superstar, appearing in legion films but not particularly
being noted for his acting skills. This film has been seen as his break-out,
showing that as he ages he can become a mature and skilled actor.
Hong Kong cinema typically shows a hyperactive world of brutal crime, but
there is nothing of that in this film. The story involves a Chinese family
living in Malaysia (actually, one is left to infer this information- the
characters all speak Cantonese, but the setting is definitely a small
Malaysian town, lovingly shown in the tropical sunshine; the satay looks so
good one can almost taste it!). Dad, Shing (the Kwok character), is a
charming, aging low-life, who for all his desire to be a good father and
husband is continually deep in gambling debt and unable to control his
volatile temper- even a simple visit to a small restaurant for the young
son’s birthday ends in a row. The wife has had enough of this life and
decides to leave. Boy, the son, played by Gow Ian Iskander, suffers from the
resulting family break-up and emotional mess. Fathers, family, gambling-
these are all issues of importance to Chinese culture and one can see why
the film might attract awards.
The story is moving enough with Boy being dragged down by the situation he
finds himself in. His love for his parents turns into hate, but after some
years he grows into a worthy young man and the film ends with him watching
thoughtfully someone in the distance who is probably his father.
Unfortunately, however, despite all those awards, the film did not work for
me. There seem to be three problems. First is the acting. The style is
old-fashioned and melodramatic, almost reminiscent of the silent screen.
Kwok does not make Shing seem at all unbearable. The family home seems
pleasant and tidy, and even when drunk and desperate Shing is perfectly
presentable. The much-acclaimed child actor makes Boy appear as indifferent
and apathetic. There is no passion in the film. Secondly, parts of the story
seem to be missing. For example, we never see the obsessed gambler gamble.
It as if we are in the days of the old Hays Code forbidding such things on
screen! It seems that the film was originally much longer and had to be cut
down so this might explain why the narrative flow has suffered.
Thirdly, the problem is the cinematography. This is a strange thing to say,
as it is perfectly exquisite, but too often it takes over. Frequently all
action stops so that we can observe the exquisite framing. Shots through
windows and the slats of blinds almost become a nervous tic. And then there
is the colour- the cinematographer seems mesmerized by light and wonderful
shades of primrose, lime green, chartreuse, Vermeer blue… The scenes in the
small hotel Shing and Boy move to are typical with the golden light,
billowing curtains, intense staring eyes and care taken over shadow. This is
mannerist cinema where visual effect has taken over from story. At another
important moment when Shing is injured, his pain becomes purely aesthetic as
the camera concentrates on a superb palette of blues and the shapes of
leaves. Such art work is great, but it slows the film down to an
unacceptable degree.
Well, I must not labour the point: the film has splendid moments and many
flaws. In case you are wondering about the lovely title, it comes from the
final prayer of the rosary. The Chinese title is simply Father, but someone
has chosen this far more glamorous English name; though possibly it suffers
from the same fault as the film, it is beautiful but rather obscure, our
exile is our life on Earth away from God, perhaps here it is Boy’s
separation from his family, something for you to ponder after watching.
Let's Go To The Movies:
Mark Gernpy
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End: US
Action/Fantasy – English version, and a Thai-dubbed version. 2 hours and 48
mins. With Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley.
More you couldn’t ask for – a fun and hugely imaginative movie. Depp is a
delight, and the dialogue witty: “Slap me thrice and give me to my mama!”
See it if you have even the slightest interest in pirates or Johnny Depp.
(For those who are willing to sit patiently through the seven minutes of
ending credits, there’s eventually a nice reward.)
Shrek the Third: US Animation/Comedy – The further adventures of
Shrek and his animal, human, and pastry compatriots (I absolutely loathed
the Gingerbread Man – what an arrogant and annoyingly sassy half-baked piece
of dough!). With Eddie Murphy, Julie Andrews, Regis Philbin, Larry King, and
37 other stars lending their voices to the fairytale. Altogether cute and
amusing; perhaps lacking somewhat in intellectual stimulation, but good
family fun all the same.
Teng Nong Khon Ma Ha Hear: Thai Comedy – Starring two popular Thai
comedians, in a follow-up to their 2006 film Nong and Teng. Of little note
for farangs.
Ploy: Thai Drama/Romance/Thriller – From director Pen-ek Ratanaruang.
Ploy is an erotic psychological drama involving three strangers locked
inside a hotel room. Subtle suspicions build up to jealousy, as the
appearance of a young woman triggers unforeseen consequences for a married
couple. It created somewhat of a stir at its recent premiere during the
Directors’ Fortnight Programme at the 2007 Cannes Film Festival. It was
admired by some reviewers and denigrated by others. The influential trade
paper Variety slammed the film rather cruelly. “Jealousy erupts quickly but
steamy sex and dull narrative move at a glacial pace in [this] Thai
somnambulistic movie. [The film] is too flimsy and false to truly engage.”
On the same day, a reviewer at Screen Daily, another influential trade
journal, exalted Ploy with uninhibited enthusiasm. “This is such a tasty
slice of cinema, by turns oneiric, erotic, funny, and emotionally
perceptive. Ploy imposes its own unhurried rhythm but then rewards its
viewers for their indulgence, and within the art-house niche that it will
inevitably inhabit this could turn out to be a strong seller.”
The film’s director Pen-ek Ratanaruang laughed upon seeing both reviews:
“One is so bad and one is so good,” he said. “They’re equally not true.”
I’m very much looking forward to seeing this, although following objections
from the Thai censorship board Pen-ek is now re-editing some of the erotic
sequences. Thus the version shown in Cannes is unlikely ever to be seen on
Chiang Mai screens.
Ocean’s Thirteen: US Crime/Comedy – With George Clooney, Brad Pitt,
Matt Damon, Al Pacino, Don Cheadle; directed by Steven Soderbergh. Casino
heist caper, a sequel to Ocean’s Eleven and Ocean’s Twelve. A paean to
ultra-cool behavior while being well dressed and beautifully coiffed in
exotic locales where expense is no object. It’s a delightful patchwork of
plot-holes laced together with beautiful fabrications. The crew pulls
another con without breaking a sweat, with Al Pacino as its new nemesis, all
the while engaging in deliberately underplayed banter and quick
give-and-take dialogue such as fans of the series have come to expect.
Scheduled for Thursday, June 14
Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer: US
Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Action – Marvel’s slightly dysfunctional family of
superheroes, The Fantastic Four, meets its greatest challenge yet as the
enigmatic, intergalactic herald, The Silver Surfer, comes to Earth to
prepare it for destruction. The role of The Silver Surfer is played by Doug
Jones, the fantastic and fantastical actor who played both the frightening
Pan and even more frightening The Pale Man in Pan’s Labyrinth, shown here
recently. As the Silver Surfer, he races around the globe wreaking havoc,
and the Fantastic Four must unravel his mystery, as well as confront the
surprising return of their mortal enemy, Dr. Doom, before all hope is lost.
Sick Nurses: Thai Horror – Whimpering, simpering, and screaming
pretty young nurses get killed in imaginative ways. Bloody awful (that’s
bloody and awful), to gauge from the trailer. Strictly for twisted teens
(and aficionados of bloody awful Thai horror films).
Life in the laugh lane:
by Scott Jones
Spending Time
The hardest part about visiting America is the speed at which dollars fly
from the wallet. Pad Thai for is not available for fifteen baht. The
inexpensive cost of living in Chiangmai disappears at the airport. My
five-baht bottle of water is confiscated at security, forcing me to purchase
another forty-baht bottle near the gate to last until Taiwan. Sure, there’s
free water on the plane, but there are also three hundred people, only three
attendants and serving cups a little larger than one ice cube. Of course, I
forget to drink my bottled water, which is once again confiscated in Taiwan
because there’s another security station between the gates. Though we have
not actually entered the country, nor been released from the Prison of
Planes and Corridors, this security stop serves two purposes: 1) to discover
plastic explosives that passengers have clandestinely constructed from
forks, spoons, magazines, bathroom soap and airline food, which is
definitely filled with inedible, toxic substances; and 2) to steal our water
so we have to buy another 105 baht bottle of water in their country.
 After five hours in Taipei’s Sterile Terminal of Tediousness, surrounded by
big-ticket, duty-free frou-frou shops and food prices that keep rising as
the value of the dollar drops, the flight to San Francisco lasts forever and
ever, though we survive as regularly scheduled, third-rate movies,
second-rate food and first-rate turbulence prevent us from near death by
boredom. The unfriendly, unsmiling, aisle-sitting Chinese man traps us in
our middle and window seats as he eats and sleeps, but never excretes, never
gets up, as if he has but one, solitary hole in his entire body for
absorption and none for expulsion. We consider relieving ourselves in the
air-sickness bags, but luckily, the plane lands. Whisked away from the
airport to dinner, we only have the strength to eat one glass of wine and
one hot chocolate for 395 baht. Thank God for relatives! Without them we’d
have had to add hotel and cab fare, somewhere between five thousand and ten
gazillion baht.
Shrouded in fog, San Francisco cools our bone marrow to just above freezing
as we bunk with my warm-hearted, but cold-blooded relatives who wear wool
clothing and stocking caps inside. As Mark Twain said, “The coldest winter I
ever spent was summer in San Francisco.” After a long night under seventeen
blankets and quilts, we venture out for lunch, since my relatives are
eat-out or take-out folks with fridge and cupboards stocked only for their
poodle and parrot, including multi-dog vitamins on the kitchen counter and
feather shampoo in the shower. My Thai mate wears all the clothing she has
brought, plus some of mine, plus fleece goods pinched from my cousin’s
closet, and waddles to the restaurant like a short, Asian, pregnant penguin
in an outfit from a Goodwill store. A massive hamburger and a turkey
sandwich, fries, salad and two drinks: 875 baht. Evening dinner is take-out,
vaguely Thai-Malaysian fusion food for two, no drinks included: 1,155 baht.
In search of the sun and the infamous sea lions, we head to tourist central,
Pier 39, but mistake several rotund tourists for sea lions and try to feed
them peanuts. They’re very pleased and eat the peanuts, along with the corn
dogs, cotton candy, salt water taffy and anything else their fat hands can
carry. It’s a gawking, shopping, feeding frenzy. One tiny tray of
strawberries (although each berry was huge and probably the best we’ve ever
eaten in our lives) cost 210 baht. For lunch we order a bowl of clam
chowder, a salmon sandwich and seafood jambalaya that would feed a family of
four and two lemonades: cost 1,575 baht. America is big, the people are big,
and the portions are gigantic. We long for a bit of the homeland, but the
Thai restaurant advertises Pad Thai for 575 baht. In an attempt to save
money during a moment of complete insanity, I vow to fix the relatives my
famous raspberry salmon, mandarin orange tarragon salad and grilled sesame
asparagus. The grocery bill is 2,800 baht. I’ve blown my three-month budget
in four days and I’ll be back in Chiangmai next week…if I can afford the
taxi to the airport.
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