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Edna gets slammed by reader

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Dear Editor:
With all of the highly complex paper work that one must complete in order to stay in this country for an extended period, how in God’s name does Mrs. Edna Gosling do that? In her writing she continues to exhibit incompetence beyond comprehension, and I am surprised she can find her way to a post box in order to deliver her weekly missive “beseeching” help and advice. Isn’t it about time for her 90-day visa to expire? In which case, my first bit of advice would be to get herself and her daughter on the next plane back to from wherever they commeth in the first place.
Generally I do not respond to the ravings of most beseechers who contact newspaper editors. Beseeching to a vast anonymous readership is one of the privileges in a free society and is most often used by those whose writings would not be accepted elsewhere. Thus, I would normally not reply to the Mrs. Edna’s of the world, but since she besought so helplessly, I felt bound to offer but a few comments in an attempt to help guide her out of the mess she calls her life. And from this point forward I shall address Mrs. Edna directly, even though I am technically writing to you, dear editor, as a third party.
First: Mrs. Edna, you are not (technically) a single mother – and god help us, neither was the Virgin Mary who remains quite in a category by herself. Whatever category you find yourself in, or in whatever category the legal system and/or mental health care professionals might soon assign to you, the Virgin Mary does not share that status.
But I digress. You indicate your Reverend Donald is of late departed – thus, in my view you are a widow. Generally, “Single Mother” or “Single Father” are euphemisms which have become popular in recent years to indicate a woman (or a man) who has CHOSEN to eliminate the opposite gender from the process of jointly raising a child; or who is doing so for reasons other than the death of the second party whose conjoined egg or sperm resulted in a living organism in the first place.
If your comment that the Reverend Donald is “of late departed” means that he is dead, I am sorry for your loss. If, on the other hand “of late departed” means that the Rev D just recently took off leaving no forwarding address, I am not sorry for your loss, but rather rejoice with him in his freedom.
Second: Mrs. Edna, you do not suffer in silence. To do so means you do not speak nor write nor share your troubles with anyone. Please try harder.
Third: Mrs. Edna – by the way, I am not being overly familiar by using your first name – but rather using the Thai form when addressing another person. Do you speak Thai? Have you ever read a single word about Thai culture or values? I would suggest you do so. Learning about another culture might be a great way to distract yourself from our own miserable life, and learning the Thai language would allow you to suffer in silence twice as much—you could suffer silently in both Thai and English.
Fourth: Mrs. “Gosling”. Here I use your surname only as necessary to clarify its pronunciation and meaning. Is “Gosling” pronounced GO-SLING (as in go sling ****), or is it pronounced GOZZ-LING as in an immature goose?
Fifth –My dear, dear Mrs. Goose. Why do you continue to live in Thailand? The ex-pat community here is certainly diverse enough without your presence; and the religious community certainly does not need the notoriety your presence creates – so why do you stay? Thailand seems to present so many fearful scenarios for you and your precious daughter. Last week you had that close encounter with the world of Chiang Mai’s Pay-Per-View night life, and this week Tabatha (or you, really) had that equally disturbing encounter with the squid salesman.
I think you are transferring onto your beloved Tabatha a lot of sexual tension and desire that is really yours to own. Your semi-erotic descriptions of satanic cults, juxtaposed with Romeo and Juliet fantasy clearly reflect a sexual need on your part that has not been fulfilled since the departure of your beloved Donald.
You are in the Land of Smiles. You are in a land of generous people who are not corrupted by Western stereotypes of beauty. Since your beloved Donald has passed, (and doubtful he will pass this way again) isn’t it really time to seek out some handsome young Thai man, and then you could leave your poor Tabatha alone to seek her own love among the squid.
May you go peace and beseecheth no more.
Name withheld by request.

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