Columns
HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]:

The Doctor's Consultation

Agony Column

Camera Class by Snapshot

Money Matters

Let's Go To The Movies

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?

Bridge in Paradise

Captain Crabtree

The Doctor's Consultation:  by Dr. Iain Corness

Do happy people live longer?

“If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, Never make a pretty woman your wife,” went the number sung by Jimmy Soul in 1963. Was he correct? If you are happy, will you really live longer? After much research, including clinical studies, the researchers have the answers. Be happy and stay well. Be aggressive and get heart attacks and cancer, and shorten your life correspondingly.
Now that does not mean that all happy folk live to be 100 and the misery bags turn in their credit cards at age 45? No, but there is enough evidence to show that your personality type influences the kinds of diseases you will get later in life, and some of these can be very conclusive. And not just a ‘coronary conclusion’!
However, this research is really nothing new, it is more of a reinforcement of previous knowledge. In the times of Hippocrates, the healers were interested in the personality of the patient, because even then they felt that this had a bearing on the disease process. This conclusion was reached after observation of the patients. Observation was the great trait of the great medical minds. We would not have developed many ‘cures’ if it were not for the physicians who noted the deviations from the normal patterns in the first place.
The combination of mind and body and disease is the basis for holistic healing, and even though Hippocrates and his healers did not have all our pharmaceutical treatments, wonderful tests and MRI’s, they did treat the person, not just the disease.
So why do we fall ill in the first place? Is it a personal weakness, is it just “lifestyle” or just plain bad luck? Since I am not a great believer in “luck” be it good or bad, my leaning after many decades of medicine is towards a type of personal “weakness”. After all, you can take two people with the same lifestyle but one gets ill and the other does not. Why? Simply, the sick person was more susceptible than the other - in some way they had a pre-disposition or call it a “weakness”. Simplistic I know, but it seems to fit.
So what factors seem to be involved in bringing about the pre-disposition? Genetics are one, and do play an important part. If your parents are diabetic then you will most likely have the problem too, but it is not absolutely inescapable. The modern scientific studies with large numbers of people have come up with interesting statistics. One famous researcher, Eysenck, lumped us all into four main personality categories.
Type 1 have a strong tendency to suppress their emotions and tend towards “hopelessness” and are unable to deal with personal stress.
Type 2 people, on the other hand, are also unable to deal with personal stress, but react to life with anger and aggression.
Type 3 is less clear-cut with a mixture of all these personality traits.
Type 4 covers the optimistic and relaxed who deal much better with interpersonal stress.
Using these broad categories and looking at disease profiles that each type gets returned some amazing facts. Type 1 was the cancer prone group, Type 2 got heart disease, Type 3 got both while Type 4 people were not prone to either cancer or heart disease. Can you see what’s coming next?
Eysenck did not stop there. He went on to show that when people modified their personality they also modified their disease profile. When you think about it, this is staggering stuff! By attention to your personality profile you can modify your disease profile!
The most significant personality trait was “anger”. Learn to modify your anger response (and this can be done) and you become less “at risk”. This is approaching Buddhist philosophy and “jai yen yen” - but you can modify your personality. That last sentence can make you live ten years longer, happier and disease free. Forget all the wonder cures, just look at yourself first! Hippocrates did more than say oaths!

 

Heart to Heart  with Hillary

Dear Hillary,
Why do so many of your correspondents want to tear into the lovely ladies of Thailand? I dislike the use of the word “prostitute” to describe people who with limited education, try to maximize their earning potential. These ladies sacrifice a lot to give their families a better life than they would otherwise have. Could it be that when you treat other people like dirt, those people then treat you like dirt (what goes around comes around) and if they were better persons they would have been treated with more respect by the ladies they complain about ripping them off all the time?
My own experience is that you can meet and fall in love with a lady from a bar. You can also be treated like a king and rest easy with the feeling that you have found a long term partner. I have been with my Thai wife now for some years and have been incredibly happy.
My own experience of a former falang wife was that she gave up work once we were married and never expected to have to work again. She took more money from me in a month than my Thai partner has taken in two years and when we split up, she took everything else. I will take my chances with a bar girl any day over a falang lady. With any woman you will have to pay, one way or another. The Thai way is cheaper in the long run, believe me, and all you guys out there, start thinking and stop whining.
Satisfaction

Dear Satisfaction,
You’re not a Rolling Stone are you (“I can’t get no satisfaction” - 1965 Jagger and Richards, for all the music freaks). I agree that everyone is better off looking on the bright side. Nobody forces you into relationships, you drag yourself into them. Think about life and make the best of it.


Dear Hillary,
I was driving up a small street and I saw that it had been blocked off. I went to do a U-Turn and then noticed a motorcycle taxi coming up behind me far too fast for the conditions. By the time he saw both me and the barricade it was too late and he lost control of his bike and slid sideways into the rear bumper of my car. My car had no damage and he was not severely injured, just a few barked knuckles, and the motorcycle only had a few scratches, but he demanded payment from me. As I was in a hurry to get to an appointment, my Thai friend who was with me said to offer him 500 baht and we eventually struck a deal at 1000 baht and that was it. What I don’t understand is why I had to pay anything at all? He was going too fast and ran into me. Why should I pay anything? It makes me angry.
Confused and Angry

Dear Confused and Angry,
It is not quite as cut and dried as you are making out. Did you indicate you were turning in the middle of the street? Remember that barricades mean nothing to motorcycle taxi riders, who just swerve around them. Certainly, you could have called the police and waited around and gone to the station to make a report and allowed the nice policeman to deliberate whether the poor little financially strapped taxi bike rider was to blame, or the angry rich farang. There is also the viewpoint that in any accident with two moving vehicles it is extremely rare to see one 100 percent in the right and the other 100 percent in the wrong. Could the taxi bike afford to pay for his barked knuckles and the damage to his bike? You would do better, my Petal, to consider it a donation which allowed you not to have to waste several hours of your time. I believe your Thai friend gave you good advice, but the choice is always yours.


Dear Hillary,
Whenever I go to any bar and a girl takes a shine to me it all seems to end in frustration. I buy her a drink, have a chat, pay for her to come with me, show her my lovely house, which is far better than anything she would be used to, coming from Isan. Afterwards, she has a shower, demands payment and skeedaddles. What I want is some nice friendly cuddles, but I’m not getting it. What’s the drill, Hillary?
Frustrated Freddie

Dear Frustrated Freddie,
Sounds to me that you’re the one with a drilling problem, my Petal. After re-reading your letter, I have come to the opinion that you are far too self centered for any relationship with a woman, paid or otherwise. So you have a nice house. The ladies of the night have probably seen every penthouse in town, which will be better than your “lovely house”. There is also the fact that you appear to me to have a fairly high opinion of yourself, so perhaps it is the girls’ way of bringing your ego down to size, after they’ve brought the other bits of you down to size too, if you get my drift. Finally, have you ever stopped to consider that perhaps you are just a lousy lay?


Camera Class:  by Harry Flashman

Contre Jour - another French deviation?

Unfortunately for those of British stock derivation, the French were first into photography, so I suppose they are entitled to give us photographic terms such as ‘Contre Jour’ (literally ‘against the light’).
However, most photographers (French included) seem to be a little in awe of Contre Jour photography, and stick to the old maxim of having the light source (generally the sun) coming from behind the photographer. If you do this, you will be assured of a reasonable, but ordinary photograph, which will record your friend at the beach, and otherwise be totally unmemorable.

The light meter totally fooled.

No, if you want something a little better, it is time for ‘Contre Jour’. The only difficulty with back-lighting, which is the other (English) name for ‘Contre Jour’ is in getting the correct exposure. Going back to the analogy of the girl on the beach, when you take a full-length shot, the person takes up around 15 percent of the image in the viewfinder. So 85 percent of the shot is not really wanted, but from the camera’s point of view, that 85 percent will predominate in the exposure meter’s electronic brain.
Now I know that better cameras have ‘center-weighting’ etc etc etc, but unless you have ‘spot’ metering, the overall exposure decided by the camera will be an average of the bright back light and the shadowed subject in the front. This will give you a dark subject, or even so far as a silhouette, in front of a well exposed background (in this case, the beach).
With today’s automatic exposure cameras you must understand that it doesn’t know what it is that you are photographing. It doesn’t know that the person’s face in the picture is the most important item. All the camera’s brain can see is a mixture of bright lights and dark areas and it will give you an exposure to try and equalize these out. Unfortunately, in conditions of high contrast in the tropical sun, or back lit, the camera reaches its limitations and the end result will be underexposure of the part of the photograph you want. It’s not the camera’s fault - it just means you have to get smarter.
There are a few ways you can demonstrate your ‘smarts’, and the simplest is by selective metering. You want the subject to be correctly exposed, so walk in close to the subject, so the person fills the frame, and note the exposure values. Now go to the manual mode in the camera, set the aperture and shutter speed as per the noted values, then walk back and compose the shot. The subject person will be correctly exposed against a bright background. Great shot!
Another one of these methods is by fill-in flash. Fortunately, these days many compacts and SLR’s do have the fill-in flash mode built in, but many of you do not use it - or even realize that you have this facility! If you have it - then use it.
Now, for those of you who have the whole kit and caboodle - an SLR with an off-camera flash, this section is for you. The whole secret of fill-in flash revolves around flash synchronization speed. Some of the very latest, and expensive cameras will synchronize flash and shutter speed all the way through to 1/2000th of a second or better, but the average SLR will probably say that the synch speed is 1/125th or even only 1/60th and it is this figure which drives the exposure setting.
Take note of the exposure settings from the position from which you are going to take the photograph. Now set the off-camera flash to around the f-stop indicated by the camera’s exposure meter. In other words, if the camera is going to use f5.6, then try two shots - one with the flash on f4 and the other on f5.6. Flashes are notoriously unreliable as to their exact setting, but by taking the two shots, one will be OK, and the other will be perfect. A correctly exposed subject against a correctly exposed background.
The third method is to meter for the entire scene and use a reflector to lift the exposure on the subject.
Brush up on your French and try ‘Contre Jour’ this weekend.


Money Matters:  Paul Gambles MBMG International Ltd.

Practicing the Golden Rule is not a sacrifice; it is an investment

Part 2

By the mid-1930s, the West was really suffering. In many countries, manufacturing was down by half and a third of the population was unemployed and things had still not bottomed out. Countries had to increase the supply of money and stop the decline in prices. Most governments elected to debase against gold in order to increase money supply. In September 1931, the U.K. was the first country by devaluing GBP against gold by 52%. The U.S. followed suit and devalued the USD by 70% against gold.
Does all of this sound familiar? Well, it should also be noted that the first gold bull market in the modern fiat money system took place between 1931 and 1934, when the world economy was at the bottom of the Great Depression and price deflation. After WWII, the world adopted the Bretton Woods which, basically, was a ‘gold-linked’ system with the USD being the intermediary.
Post war politics also intervened in a big way. Most Western democracies only have a four year election cycle. With the politicians trying to prove how good they were this brought about massive problems both socially and economically. Inflation and credit was the easiest way out for those with a limited horizon.
However, it was bound to come back and bite those in charge and this is why there was a crisis of confidence in the USD in the early 1970s. This led to central banks swapping USD for gold which, in turn, ate into the US reserves of gold. In 1971, Nixon basically de-linked the USD from gold and allowed the USD to float. In reality, this ended Bretton Woods and gold prices shot up by almost 400% against the USD. There was also massive inflation. Investors ran to gold to preserve what they had against inflation and hedge against any further drop in USD value. So, whilst the first gold bull run was due to deflation the second one was because of inflation.
Gold was very volatile in the late seventies and peaked out in the early 1980s. There was then a twenty year bear market on the precious metal. There are various reasons for this but one of them was that inflation in the 1990s continued to fall and so gold was not needed as a hedge. People no longer needed it and good old Gordon Brown et al decided to sell gold when it was at its lowest price in years. In 1999 it was down at USD252 per ounce. What they failed to notice was that the third major bull market was about to begin.
This latest bull is very different to the one in the seventies and eighties, especially as inflation has been very low in the last ten years. Amongst other things, this is mainly due to over-supply and deflation. The Asian Crisis, the Dot.com crash and the current nightmare has driven inflation and interest rates down dramatically. Whilst this deflationary environment has emerged, the gold bull market has unfolded.
It can be argued that the continuous running of the printing presses by Western central banks raised the probability of inflation and this has led to people buying gold as a hedge against more inflation. The problem with this is that the inflation-swap market gives good indications that it will not exceed 1% to 3% for the next few years and they expect it to get even lower before the end of the year. It is just not consistent to say the gold market is expecting inflation when the bond market is reckoning on deflation or low inflation.
The real question is how long will the present bull market in gold last - given a low/zero inflation situation we now have. The best way to answer this is to look at the fundamentals of a gold market.
Given the scenario above, there are three main factors that have to be considered.
1. What is the investment demand for gold? This has been the prime reason for volatility in the gold market. Demand for gold is because it is still thought of as a kind of currency and so the price of gold is heavily influenced by:
a) How much newly printed money comes out into the market
b) The level of interest rates
c) The value of other assets
d) The safe haven status of gold
2. What is the demand for gold as a commodity? In reality, this is down to the jewelry trade. China, India and the Middle East have all had a large demand for gold in recent years and this is for decorative purposes as opposed to purely investment.
3. What is the effect of the US dollar? The reason for this is that gold is usually rated in USD and large fluctuations in the USD will affect the value of gold.
The easiest of these to deal with is jewelry. This is because it is affected by the income of the family. When the wage earners are doing well then the demand for necklaces, rings, etc., goes up. When they are not doing well then the demand drops. This is basically income sensitive.
The demand for gold as an investment is far more difficult to assess. This, more than anything else, governs the price of gold. There are many things to consider and these also do change over time. The fascinating question is what is driving it today? In the past it was the possibility of inflation. This is no longer the case and has not been for quite some time. There is much evidence to show that massive printing of money has affected the value of gold.
On top of this, the Marshallian K (MK) also must be considered. MK is the money-relative-to GDP ratio. The MK has increased rapidly over the last nine years which shows that the central banks have been trying to use reflation to fight deflation. This increasing ratio has coincided with gold going up in value.
To be continued…

The above data and research was compiled from sources believed to be reliable. However, neither MBMG International Ltd nor its officers can accept any liability for any errors or omissions in the above article nor bear any responsibility for any losses achieved as a result of any actions taken or not taken as a consequence of reading the above article. For more information please contact Paul Gambles on [email protected]


Let's Go To The Movies:  Mark Gernpy

Mark Gernpy
Oscar season is over at Major Cineplex!  On to car crashes and katoeys.  I hope you enjoyed while you could Revolutionary Road, The Reader, The Wrestler, and Milk.  Many thanks to Major Cineplex for bringing these films to Chiang Mai.

Now playing in Chiang Mai

Fast & Furious 4: US, Action – Vin Diesel and Paul Walker reteam for the ultimate chapter of this film franchise built on speed and exotic cars, which started in 2001 with The Fast and the Furious, an unexpected hit movie.  Although this is the fourth of the series, time-wise it fits in between the second and the third films, and is thus not a sequel and not a prequel but (a new word for you) an interquel.  It’s almost entirely about car races and car crashes.  Look, there are some who like that!  Early reviews are generally negative.

The Shinjuku Incident / Xin Su shi jian:  China, Action/ Drama – Featuring Jackie Chan in a dramatic rather than a fighting mode.  This troubled project has been in the planning stages for almost 10 years according to director Derek Yee.  And now it seems the film will not be exhibited in mainland China at all, due to censorship concerns over the portrayal of Chinese living abroad, which will really hurt the financial prospects for this film, China being Chan’s biggest market.  Shown here in a Thai-dubbed version only, without English subtitles.

Sassy Player / Taew Nak Te Teen Rabert:  Thai, Comedy/ Drama – A gay teen soccer comedy in the vein of “Satree Lek” (Iron Ladies), the internationally popular comedy about a gay and transgender men’s volleyball team.  There’s a little bit of everything in the film – something for everyone.  It’s fun, if your proclivities lie in this direction.  Directed by Poj Arnon (Bangkok Love Story).

The story: A girl’s school decides it wants to field a team to contest national secondary school football (soccer) championships, and calls for applications from young men.  It ends up with 16 applicants, seven of whom are katoey - or as they tell their coach, not ‘real’ men at all.  Can football players of the third gender prove their mettle on the pitch?  You’ll have to see the movie to find out.

Knowing: Australia/ US, Drama/ Mystery/ Thriller – Delightful!  And a lot of fun.  Particularly if you like Nicolas Cage.  A teacher opens a time capsule that has been dug up at his son’s elementary school; in it are some chilling predictions – some that have already occurred and others that are about to – that lead him to believe his family plays a role in the events that are about to unfold.  Mixed or average reviews.

Khan Kluay 2:  Thai, Animation/ Adventure – The legendary elephant is back in action in this sequel to the animated movie Khan Kluay.  Set after the victory at Ayuthaya against the invasion of the powerful Burmese Empire, when Khan Kluay is appointed King Naresuan’s royal elephant.

Scheduled for April 9

Race to Witch Mountain: US, Adventure/ Fantasy/ Sci-Fi/ Thriller – A perfectly acceptable and innocuous action/ adventure film for children (mostly) with all the standard chills and thrills, chase-movie suspense, and wisecracking humor – and a few slam-bang action setpieces.  Well done of its type, and the ex-Rock Dwayne Johnson is (mostly) charming as a Las Vegas cabbie who enlists the help of a UFO expert to protect two children with paranormal powers from the clutches of an organization that wants to use the kids for their nefarious plans.  Mixed or average reviews.

Monsters vs. Aliens:  US, Animation/ Sci-Fi – Has gotten some rave reviews from a number of reviewers, and some highly critical.  I found it half imaginative and highly amusing, half irritating.  All five of the monsters come from low-budget science fiction films of the 1950s.  The towering – and irritating – Ginormica (Reese Witherspoon) was inspired by Attack of the 50-Foot Woman.  The “missing link” is from Creature from the Black Lagoon.  The roaring, wordless Insectosaurus is a Godzilla slug magnified by radiation, and Bob the Blob comes from, of course, The Blob.  Dr. Cockroach has a counterpart in The Fly, where another scientist acquired some of the characteristics of an insect after a failed experiment.  Mixed or average reviews.

Rahtree Reborn:  Thai, Horror/ Romance – Starring Love of Siam heartthrob Mario Maurer, in a new career move, and Cherman Boonyasak, who played his putative sister in that film.  It’s a sequel to Yuthalert Sipapak’s famous horror films Bup Pha Rahtree and Rahtree Returns, set in the same apartment where the haunting story has been told before.  Surrounded by the tranquility of this apartment, a horrible spirit in room 609 is lurking, soon to be awakened.  This time the terrors are tripled.  Directed again by Yuthalert Sipapak.  Straight razors and a barber’s chair are featured prominently in the posters for this film.  Shades of Sweeney Todd, again!


HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?: Stuart Rodger

Hoyas are for everyone

The last time I visited my mother in Wales, as she opened the front door to greet me, I noticed a heavy scent wafting on the evening air from inside her house.  In answer to my enquiry, she led me through the house to the conservatory at the rear, in which one entire wall was covered by climbing plant.
Clinging to the wall like ivy, it had thick, fleshy green and creamy white variegated leaves and a few umbels of flower, hanging upside down and dripping with honey which could be gathered on the tip of one’s finger, and tasted delicious!  These flowers are waxy… hence the plant’s common name, ‘Waxflower’, and have a surface which feels like velvet.  The heavy scent pervaded the air, pleasant at a distance, but overpowering close to the plant.
My mother broke off a stem, which was obviously rooting, and told me to put it into a pot, where it would grow into a new plant very quickly.  She was, of course, right, (mothers always are, aren’t’ they).
These plants really are child’s play to propagate, even for beginners, and are great for supplying all your friends with something easy to look after as a reminder of how generous you are!  Each flower comes from a node on the stem of the plant, and will continue to flower spasmodically from the same node for an indefinite period of time.
I did notice that my mother took care not to give away all the flower points to her friends, choosing stems devoid of nodes so that she would not be left with a large plant which never flowered!
This common house plant, very popular in England, is Hoya carnosa, ‘ranagata’, often placed on windowsills.  I was delighted to find that Hoya can be seen everywhere in Thailand, as the plant is native here, even clinging epiphytically to the branches of trees in a bewildering variety of shapes, sizes and colours.
Here, it is usually trained on wires that hang in the air, and has to be sprayed in the same manner as are orchids.  However, it is easier to do as they do in England, place it on a windowsill or ledge, planted in a pot of humus-rich coconut fibre soil and allow the stems to wind up a stick or trellis.  This couldn’t be easier, as the thick, water-filled leaves are designed to survive the dry season.  If you like ‘plant collections’, Hoya is a great example to collect, in all its amazing varieties!


Bridge in Paradise : by Neil Robinson

Last week I wrote about the problem of bidding so aggressively that you push the opponents into a game or slam that they would not otherwise bid. Here is another such hand, played in Chiang Dao. I was sitting East with neither side vulnerable and North dealing:

                          S: AK862
                          H: K852
                          D: 7
                          C: 865      
S: Q4                                  S: -
H: Q104                             H: 763
D: KJ1098                          D: Q63
C: 1097                               C: AKQJ432
                          S: J109753
                          H: AJ9
                          D: A542
                          C: -           

This was the bidding:
North       East              South        West

P               3N                 4S              5C
5S             6C                 P                P
6S             All pass                         
 

I opened a gambling 3N which shows a long (7 or more cards) running minor suit.  The bidder hopes that partner has a couple of tricks, can stop the suit led, and has at least one card in the long minor to lead to declarer’s hand.  Then, presto, nine tricks and game made.  Alternatively, if you are not making 3N, the opponents probably have a game and you hope the 3N bid will make it difficult for them to find the right bid.

Kit Salisbury, sitting South, made an aggressive 4S overcall.  My partner, Chris Hedges, raised my presumed suit to the five level (if my suit were in fact diamonds, I could always correct).  John Bucher, sitting North, was happy to raise his partner, in view of his very adequate support for spades.  I bid 6C, to raise the ante and North, with the reasonable hope that his partner was void in clubs, made the wise decision to raise to slam.

South ruffed the club lead, pulled trumps in two rounds, played the ace of diamonds and eventually trumped three diamonds on board.  He led towards the jack of hearts, to try and make an overtrick, hoping that I held the heart queen.  When the finesse failed, he made twelve tricks (6 spades, 2 hearts, the ace of diamonds and three diamond ruffs), and had nearly taken all thirteen.  I was left regretting my ill-judged decision to bid 6C, thereby pushing the opponents into a cold small slam made with only 20 high card points between the two hands.  Such is bridge in paradise!

Chiang Mai now has an official bridge club - the Bridge Club of Chiang Mai.  We welcome new players.  For information on the Club please contact Chris Hedges at [email protected] if you have bridge questions, or to send me your interesting hands, please contact me at [email protected]  I look forward to meeting you at the bridge table.


Captain Crabtree: Captain Crabtree’s Congenial Contributions

Editor’s note: We thought you’d appreciate a brief bio of CM Mail’s new ‘Poet Laureate,’ who will be entertaining readers with his fortnightly essays in verse, centred on his experiences of life in Chiang Mai. Perhaps we shouldn’t mention this, but we were told (in confidence, of course) that the good Captain is experiencing unbridled passion for our very own (and the Pattaya Mail’s) Hillary! You can’t keep a secret in this town!
Born:
1935 Basingstoke
Christened:
Archie Hilloughby
Educated:
Stoke Basing Grammar School (1947-1953) and Oxford University (October – November 1954)
Commissioned
1955 by the British Army Pioneer Corps, P&D Division (Painting & Decorating). Decorated Suez and Cyprus in 1956, and Painted Falklands in 1980. Retired in1988 to live with widowed sister Mabel in Churchill Gardens, Cheltenham.
Clubs & Societies
include the Gifford Park Golf Club (member) the Adlestrop Rotary Club (member) and the North Cotswold Gilbert & Sullivan Society (member, occasional baritone and treasurer).
Present location:
South Asia; seeking a location conducive to settling down, in view of dwindling savings and disastrous decline of GB under Socialism. Marriage a possibility. Last heard of by Mabel – Chiang Mai (April 2009).
Captain Crabtree’s Holiday
Misfortunes
(next year he’ll go to Brighton)

Someone mentioned the Chiang Mai pollution, of course,
But I knew British lungs could cope;
I’ve played rugger and tennis, swung bat, ridden horse
And was up to the challenge, I hope.
Chest out, shoulders back, I marched by the moat
Breathing deeply – inhale: exhale –
And I thought, as I passed out, clutching my throat,
‘I shall write to the Chiang Mai Mail!’
After several Sang Soms, I met a young girl
Near a bar in Loi Kroh where I’d been
But, to the policeman, this South Asian pearl
Confessed she was only fifteen.
I’d never considered I might ever see
The inside of a Chiang Mai jail!
And, as soon as the Consulate get me out free
I shall write to the Chiang Mai Mail!
While seeking to cross the Huay Kaew Road
After sinking a few pints of Chang
I noticed a crossing and onto it strode
With the confidence of the farang.
As I bounced off the tuk-tuk and flew through the air
To land on the car and impale
Myself on its aerial, I thought ‘It’s not fair!
I shall write to the Chiang Mai Mail!’
It’s remarkably quiet at McCormick’s throughout
And, though I’m still plastered and frail,
The very first thing I must do when I’m out
Is to write to the Chiang Mai Mail!