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Update August 2017


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Update by Natrakorn Paewsoongnern
 
 
 

Heart to Heart with Hillary

 

Update August 12, 2017

Dear Hillary,

She’s gorgeous, she looks after me 100 percent and she’s married to some chap in the US. She tells me that they got married 10 years ago and he went back to the US two years later and there’s no contact now for five years. He doesn’t send her money or anything and they had no children together. We’ve been together now a bit over a year and she is making noises like she wants to get married and build a little house up-country. What’s involved in this?

Jack

 

Dear Jack,

What’s involved? Paperwork, legal advice, paperwork and money. And that’s not counting the cost of the little house up-country, which is a lot more than you think. For example, how do you find the American husband to serve divorce papers on? Really, my Petal, this is all very one-sided. She has a lot to gain, and you get a lot to spend your money on. You lose! Time to Hit the road Jack and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. (Please sing along as you collect your things and go.)

 

Dear Hillary,

Is passing wind (farting) in bed acceptable these days? I have a young lady who stays with me most days/nights. Used to work in a bar but hasn’t for the past three months. I am very happy with her and she says she is with me. My only personal problem is she lets some beauties go when asleep. I was always taught that this was something one didn’t do, but then I am considerably older than she is, so things might have changed. Should I mention it, or just put up with it?

Frederick

 

Dear Frederick,

What is the problem? Noise that wakes you up? Odor? Sleeping on your side of the bed? This is a very complex problem, Petal, so thank you for bringing it to my attention. I have asked around and it is taken as a sign that the relationship is steady. Until you can fart with impunity, the relationship is still in an early stage. Yours is three months you say, so it is rather early in the overall scheme of things. Perhaps she has been eating Bok Choi which is known to generate wind. It has to go somewhere. Other than getting her to wear thick woolly knickers to work as a muffler, there’s not much else. Ear plugs perhaps? Sorry Frederick, but I’m stumped. Perhaps one of the readers will have the answer? Let’s see.

 

Dear Hillary,

I put a computer terminal together and everything works well, other than the monitor. You can fire it up and the picture only lasts for five seconds and then it cuts out. I have a suspicion that the maid has been using it during the day and has pressed the wrong key. Can you put me in the right direction? Nobody else has been able to.

Lauren

 

Dear Lauren,

You are really stretching my job description now. If the maid has a broken heart then perhaps I could do something. Why don’t you take it to TukCom? There’s an army of eager young people (and a couple of oldies) just waiting to fix it or sell you a new one. And change the password on the computer as well. And delete me from your contact list.

 

Dear Hillary,

My daughter is 14 years old and has a steady boyfriend. They are both at school. They go to the movies and things like that, but lately she has been coming home very late and runs off to her bedroom before I can ask her where she’s been. Am I worrying too much? What is the next step? I have asked her mother to talk to her, but that hasn’t happened.

Grenville

 

Dear Grenville,

You will have a lot of fathers nodding with your email. Teenagers can be a worry and it is necessary for the parents to make sure they have a good relationship with their children. This means honesty and straight forward communications. An explanation as to why you worry when she is late may be required here. Does she get sex education at school?

 

Dear Hillary,

My Thai GF enjoys all sports on the TV, Football mad and of course follows her Thai team as well as the Premier League, but she will also watch American Grid-iron, European league, and even horse jumping. For some of my friends, they think this is fantastic, but there is another side to the coin – If there’s a sporting event on TV at 2 in the morning, she will be watching it. Sometimes she gets to bed at five in the morning and just crashes. She doesn’t have a job, but I do.

Will

 

Dear Will,

Where there’s a will, there’s a way. The simplest is to switch the TV off at midnight. You will have one of those magic boxes that gives you 101 channels, hook it into a timer that turns it off at midnight.


Update August 5, 2017

Dear Hillary,

My son’s teacher has told him he has to get his hair cut. His hair length was fine in his school in the UK, and it was a strict school too. His hair just touched his collar and ears fully visible, but no, he is supposed to have a ‘regulation’ haircut which is the proverbial short back and sides made popular by a dictator in North Korea! Is this a requirement in Thailand, or is this something that this teacher requires? He is in Prathom 4.

Jefferson

 

Dear Jefferson (Airplane?),

You sound as if you are a newbie in these parts. Just because it is done one way in the UK, does not mean it is done the same way here. I’m sure your son never had to ‘wai’ to his teachers over there, did he?

I suggest you follow the advice of your favorite rock band who sang,

“Today, I feel like pleasing you

More than before

Today, I know what I want to do

But I don’t know what for.”

Both you and your son don’t know what the haircut is for, but in reality it is just to instill some sort of pride in his appearance. That’s all.

Dear Hillary,

I have a couple of girlfriends that I see regularly, but they don’t know about each other. By regularly, I mean once a week. I pay bar fine every time and I’m getting tired of it, as it is just a rip-off. The girls expect me to pay this, and pay them the next day as well. It is all getting expensive, and they don’t do a good job cleaning and tidying either. One of them said I should take her out of the bar and have her move in with me and then I don’t need to shell out each time. Would that sort of arrangement work? Should I tell them I am thinking of this? You must have come across this before. What’s my next move?

Jerry

 

Dear Jerry,

Next move? Have you tried Laos or Vietnam? You should not consider moving anybody in with you (of any sex) until you are older and less self-centered than you are now. By all means, get them together and here’s what will happen. “Noi, I’d like you to meet Nam. She comes Tuesdays, and Nam, this is Noi who comes Fridays.” Do you honestly think either of these girls will be delighted to know that you have two sort of maids and expensive bed mates? I would just hope that both of them refuse to go out with you in future, after cutting up your favorite shirts. There’s a basic honesty that you don’t know about, my Petal. Makes no difference what profession any girl works in. Honesty is needed, and you haven’t got it.

 

Dear Hillary.

It’s alright for you, sitting in your ivory tower and judging the guys who write to you with their problems. You’ve never had the heart-ache that these Thai women can give to the poor lonely ex-pats. They are clever at exchanging “love” and care for money. As the book says, “No Money, No Honey”.

Robbie

Dear Robbie,

Ivory tower indeed! If you can call 9 square meters anything other than cramped, you have a vivid imagination. And how dare you decide that I’ve never been let down in love. And by that I mean real “love”. Your lonely ex-pats know the score and if they’re in the market paying for company, why should it somehow be different when they have no money? Just think about a restaurant you go to regularly, and you pay the bill at the end of the dinner. After three months can you go there to eat and say, “I’ve got no money, so can I have my lunch for free?” No Money, No Honey Prawns, Petal.”

 

Dear Hillary,

I have met a nice young lady through work (she works in Sales) and I intend inviting her to dinner. Problem, will she eat farang food? I have to know, so that I can pick a suitable restaurant. I mean, champagne? Lobster? Will items like that impress her?

Magnus

 

Dear Magnus (with a name like that, you must be Scottish),

What will impress a young lady from Sales is your ability to take the lead, so pre-planning is important. I am sure you must have heard of the seven P’s. “Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.” (Yes, count them, there are seven.) So, Prosecco instead of champagne will be fine. Rock lobsters instead of Maine lobsters, also fine and much cheaper. A good house red by the glass, rather than Chateau Neuf du Pape by the bottle and you have a wonderful dinner at a reasonable cost, remembering your Scottish heritage. However, there is one item missing in this Lothario’s guide to first dating – you have to screw up the courage and ask her out. At that point you can ask if there is any cuisine she does not eat, and I am sure she will agree to any as well as Thai.

    


HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]

Update August 12, 2017

Update August 5, 2017

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