Heart to Heart
May 19, 2018 - May 25, 2018
If you knew the usual interpretation of
biblical propaganda it was not until “after” the discovery of their nakedness,
shame and expulsion from the “Garden of Eden” that they even knew to have
intercourse. (“God” in his kindness and mercy at least promised the woman that
she and her kind would forever afterward have great distress in
childbirth....which had yet to ever happen....) The tempt was in the attempt at
A big bad snake (unattached to Adam) was
the culprit and the hero of the piece for without him no ancient Hebrew would
have ever thought of writing it down. It is possibly significant as the first
“Red delicious” moment. Shortly after this the price of apples went up and they
had to invent money and temple taxes.
You are the perspicacious one are you
not. The Old Testament explained in just a few lines. We should be ever so
grateful. Reminds me of when Moses went up the mountain to get the commandments
and came down with 99 stone tablets, to be immediately sent back up the mountain
and told to negotiate. A week later he returned and proudly announced he had
got the list of commandments down to 10. “Only one problem,” Moses said.
“Adultery is still on!”
My Thai wife tells me every night that she
is going to divorce me. The reasons are far too great in number to bore you
with, but my problem is not the thought of impending divorce, it is the fact
that she never gets any further than saying it is going to happen. How can I
get her to either stop the threats, or just go ahead and do it? There must be
other things that husbands and wives talk about, not just threatening divorce.
Or is this “martial” bliss after all? What is your advice, wise Hillary?
A few weeks ago one writer was asking
about communication between men and women, and I wrote that for some people they
think that the art of good communication is to shout louder. I think one of you
needs to shout louder as there is something awry here. Have you thought that it
is time to talk? Perhaps you could try that so next time when she threatens
divorce, shout louder and tell her to either get on with it or give up talking
about it. If that doesn’t work, you can always get divorce papers drawn up and
when she threatens divorce, whip out the papers and say, “Sign here!” Lots of
luck Roger, I think you’re going to need it.
I have noticed that you spend much of your
column appealing to your worried fans to send you champagne and chocolates. Do
you think this is fair? These people have problems and you dismiss them with a
“send chocolates and champagne” answer. What is it with you and the chewies
You young people are all the same these
days - wanting an answer for everything and no waiting. Some things are just
written in the stars, my Petal. I suppose you also want to know why the earth
is round, when the simple answer is just because it is! Likewise with Hillary
and my chocolates.
Now, for having read your letter,
Perplexed, that’s one chocolate bar. For replying to it that’s another.
Remember that not everyone is like you, my little enquirer. That lovely man
Jack Wild, who wants to build me a Grand Hyatt Erawan in the front garden of my
townhouse dropped in a beautiful bottle of New Zealand wine the other day.
Thanks Jack. Jack knows what life’s about, Petal! Even if he is a kiwi.
You’ll get there too - eventually! And no grass at the front please.
Having given a young lady, who works in the
local hostelry, some shelter for one night because it was raining, I now find
that when I drop in for a beer and a chat, all the other girls rush off and get
Miss Wunnite Satand for me, even if it isn’t raining. This would be fun if I
actually wanted to chat to this young lady, but there is another that interests
me more. How do I get over this problem and get to speak to the one I want, not
the one the others want me to see?
I wish all the questions were as easy to
answer as this one. The way around this is to be honest and tell your Ms.
Wunnite Satand (lovely name, isn’t it - I’m sure you didn’t make it up) that you
would like to speak with her sister Ms. Neksnite Satand and could she bring her
over and here’s 100 baht for your trouble. She will understand and co-operate
fully. If you have tipped a little heavily before, then be prepared to double
the finder’s fee.
May 12, 2018 - May 18, 2018
My 23 year old GF wants to go to yoga
classes, and wants me to go with her. I wouldn’t mind going once a week, but
this is five days a week, and I’m over 60. Of course she has to have the lycra
gear to go with it and a couple of changes for different days. I went with her
for the first lesson and I was sore the next day. It might be fine for Thai
women, but not for me. The GF is putting the weights on me to sign up (and pay
for her as well).
If it makes you feel better, most people
who sign up for Yoga classes never go the whole distance. However, I think you
should adopt the Empty Wallet position, followed by the Close the Door on Your
Way Out pose. Ferdy, you are being taken to the cleaners while in the Lotus.
I hear that one of your readers wants to
apply the British Standard (BS) Duck Test to all women. “If a bird looks like a
duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.” He
must have really lost a lot to be so bitter. All women are not the same. Thai
women are not the same as western ones and bar girls are a different species
altogether. He should stop feeling sorry for himself and get out and enjoy the
company of the ladies in the bars. That’s what they’re there for. You don’t have
to buy the entire library when you want to read a book.
Jim from Oz
Dear Jim from Oz,
Despite the 50 percent divorce rate in
many countries, including Australia, all women are very obviously not the same.
I’m not like that for one. Despite the writer’s pessimism, his 0.01 percent
still works out as 1,000 women, even in Australia. I agree that if you want a
‘good time’, the good time girls are there to give it to you. A girl for the
good times in life, is not a girl who is good for life times. It should also be
understood that a beer bar is not an outside office for a marriage agency. I
have said in this column many times that you don’t go into a hardware shop if
you are looking for a piece of cheese.
I enjoy your bits each week and the advice
is right on. Somebody said you should get a raise from your editor and I reckon
so too. You are doing a public service so you should get the top dollar. All the
ones in the US like Oprah get big money, so should you. Keep up the good work.
Aren’t you just the nicest man!
Comparing poor little Hillary with the mighty Oprah! However there are some
differences between us, you know. She’s in America, for one! You worry me
though, when you say you “enjoy my bits” each week. What “bits” are we talking
about here? Some of my bits are never discussed here in the column. This is a
family newspaper Hughie. As far as a raise is concerned, I’ll show your letter
to the editor, but he’ll just laugh and say I made it up.
I’m a bit new to Thailand, so I’m probably
not the first to ask this, but why do Thai women sit sideways on motorcycles?
When did it start? Have they always done this? You would never see anything like
this in England, so it really blows me away every time.
Dear Sideways Sam,
You seem to have your eyes open here,
but you must have had them closed in the UK. Go to any horsey event and you will
see the women riding side-saddle. Even the Queen of England rode side-saddle for
the trooping of the color. However, getting back to your question regarding
riding side-saddle here, it is for the sake of decency, young man. How can a
woman in a long skirt, or even more in a short skirt, look polite and decorous
with the hem hitched up above the hips, and legs hanging down each side of
motorcycle (or horse, buffalo or elephant, take your pick)? Thai women have had
wrap skirts for years and rode buffaloes side-saddle, long before the motorcycle
arrived in the villages.
I went to my usual barbers the other day to
find it was closed. This was something new to me, so I drove around to see the
next one, and it was closed as well. I have now been told that all barbers close
on Wensdays (sic) and it was a Wensday (sic) that I was looking
at. Can you tell me why they all want to shut on that day? I had to spend the
rest of the afternoon in the pub instead.
Dear Hairy Harry,
Aren’t you lucky, it was just the
Bar-ber that was closed, and not the Bar-beer! We consider it to be bad luck to
cut your hair on a Wednesday, so the clever barbers may as well close, rather
than spread the bad luck.
May 5, 2018 - May 11, 2018
I arrived back in Bangkok yesterday
after a 6 day break in Vietnam. Sailed through immigration and baggage
collect- fantastic. Thought I would see what time the next coach was to
Jomtien - 10 minutes, great. Bought ticket got on coach. Another English guy
sat by me and we began chatting, Thai guy in front of us stood up and said
no talking on bus, we carried on talking, he turned around again and
repeated no talking, I used some old English containing the word off.
Anyway, the coach departed and we carried on talking like most of the people
on the coach. Before the coach had left the airport perimeter the driver
pulled over and very aggressively walked down the coach shouting no talking
on bus. Was it because of Songkran or has a new law been passed?
Dear Confused expat,
You’re confused? That makes two of
us. If the demand was in English, it was directed at you. If it was in Thai,
then it was for everyone else. However, were you speaking very loudly, then
the bus driver probably thought you were Chinese or Indian. I think it will
remain one of the world’s great mysteries, sorry Petal.
We have a lot of stray dogs in our soi,
and they are getting to be a problem. Never mind soiling everywhere, they
are also very aggressive. They haven’t bitten anyone yet to my knowledge,
but I am sure it will happen, especially with the next litter to add to the
number. There is also the worry about rabies, so much so we can’t take our
own dog outside of our garden, so we get dog poo on our lawn as well. If I
were to accidentally run over one of these dogs, would I be breaking the
law? And would I be liable to pay for vet fees and the like, if I injured
one? We have contacted the city administration and they say they will look
into it but nothing has happened as far as I know. The dogs are still there.
What suggestions do you have for us?
There are 70 million people in
Thailand and at three dogs per head, that’s 210 million soi dogs, and you
expect one little Hillary can sweep them all up like the Pied Piper of
Hamlin. Impossible, my Petal. And while your running over a couple of dogs
lowers the number to 208,998,000, that’s not doing much for the overall
problem, and yes, for many reasons, you would be expected to pay the vet’s
consultation fee. The best advice I can give you is to organize the
neighbors to get a spaying clinic and slowly you will reduce the numbers. I
have been told you can fix male dogs by banging two bricks together. I asked
wasn’t it very painful and was told only if you get your thumb caught
between the bricks.
She’s beautiful, has her own little
dress shop and wants to move in with me. What can go wrong with this
arrangement? It all seems too good to be true. I had known her for two
months before we went dating and it just gets better and better, we go for
dinner at least three times a week. The shop doesn’t make much profit so
I’ve been happy to throw a few thousand baht into the kitty to keep her
happy. Now here’s the problem, I am going back to the States next month and
she is telling me that she needs a regular amount of money (50K) each month
that she can rely on, and then she won’t need to go and work in the bars. I
sort of feel I am being pressurized here. Is 50K a reasonable amount? It
looks to me like a bit expensive, and we aren’t even living together.
Don’t jump off the cliff when you
read my advice. You are being dressed for dinner, just like one of your
thanksgiving turkeys. You are being offered nothing for 50K. Have you even
seen the shop? Sometimes these “shops” are just a cover-up. Have you stopped
to wonder how she can take so much time away from the shop? When she is off
gallivanting with you, who looks after the shop? Petal, you are being set up
by a scheming woman. My advice? Spend your 50K (per month!) on yourself.
Forget about being the Issey Mayake of Pattaya, but be the Usain Bolt
instead and hoof it!
A couple of weeks ago one of your lost
sheep was all of a tizz because all the pot-bellied men were trying to hit
on to his Perfect 10 girlfriend. There is an old saying, which goes, “If you
love her, let her go. If she comes back nobody wanted her either!” Look at
all the anxiety that comes through these pages, and it isn’t necessary.
Pebbles on the beach – there’s lots of them.
Aren’t you the generous warm hearted
one! You don’t seem to understand that some of my readers are no longer
youngsters and need sympathy and understanding. You will be old one day too,
April 28, 2018 - May 4, 2018
Did you know the BiB are doing roadside checks in the wee
hours as well as during the daytimes? Do you think this is fair? The bars are
having a hard enough time of it as it is.
You are complaining to the wrong person, my Petal. I
don’t ride my bicycle at night because the bulb is broken. Anyway, nobody sends
me enough alcohol to make me go over the limit, even if they let me off the
headlight thing. The rear light works well though.
I feel sorry for those who are so distressed they have to
write to you. They think their problem with the ladies of the night (I like that
more than bar girls) are something new or different. It has been this way since
the first time Eve tempted Adam. From then on, all her descendants knew how to
get anything they wanted from any man, and quite simply by playing up to the
man’s weaknesses. This is natural behavior and not something the ladies in the
bars have invented. The following limerick shows just how misguided a man can
“In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his Madam,
And great was his mirth,
For he knew that on earth
There were only two b*lls and he had ‘em.”
You made me laugh, but that limerick needs bringing up
to date, and I respectfully suggest the new version should go
“In the beer bars of Pattaya lay Adam,
Complacently stroking a Madam,
And great was the girl’s mirth,
As she knew that on earth,
He already had two bills and had paid ‘em.”
I am having problems getting my passport renewed. I travel
in and out of Thailand every three weeks and when I ask they say it might take
six weeks. I can’t afford that sort of time. What do you suggest I do?
You don’t say what kind of passport you have. If it is a
UK one, a friend recently got a new 10 year one through one of the visa
companies, and I think that goes for most of them. Ask around your friends what
they did. I am told a place called Key Visa in South Pattaya gave good service.
How much alcohol can you take on a daily basis before it
harms you? My GF has two or three wines when we go out for dinner, but then when
we get home she will have another bottle in the fridge which I share with her to
be sociable, and then there’s the night cap which is some cocktail or other. In
the morning the bedroom smells like a brewery. What should I do?
You are telling me how much she drinks but indicate you
drink along with her “to be sociable” you say. Looks like the pot calling the
kettle black to me. Why don’t you both give up drinking for a month and then
review the situation from there? I have this feeling that one or both of you
will fail after three days. I was once told (by a doctor) that the definition of
an alcoholic is someone who drinks more than their doctor. Find a tee-total
We used to have a very quiet neighborhood until a family
moved in with three dogs. They wander round the place, barking if you go near
them (as dogs do) so I don’t walk around our village any more without a stick to
beat them off if I need it. A friend swears by a device which gives off a sound
which scares them away, but it is so high pitched that we can’t hear it, but
dogs can. Do you know where I can get one of these? It sounds just what I need.
Maybe this device will work for you, but surely the
first line of attack is to ask the new neighbors to keep their dogs in and not
let them roam the streets. Are you sure the dogs belong to them, and not a
couple of soi dogs. Does Security not stop them? Have you told Security? I don’t
know where you would get the “Doggone” machine, but the Landlord of Jameson’s
pub walks to work and hasn’t been showing bite marks, so maybe he’s got one. Or
maybe the dogs don’t drink!
These gentlemen who mow their lawns on a Sunday have no
thought for other people who like to sleep in on a Sunday. What should I do?
Gentlemen don’t mow lawns, that job is done by the
gardener, so speak to yours and ask him to speak to the others and all do the
lawns on Saturday. That’s the simple answer (which won’t work). The other
defense is to wear ear protectors when you go to bed, and close the windows and
doors. You could also try poisoning the grass, but just don’t get caught.