Make Chiangmai Mail | your Homepage | Bookmark

Chiangmai 's First English Language Newspaper

Pattaya Blatt | Pattaya Mail | Pattaya Mail TV

 
Update May 2018


Home
Chiang Mai News
AutoMania
Classical Connections
Cartoons
Care for animals
Community Happenings
Doctor's Consultation
Dining Out & Recipes
Heart to Heart
Mail Bag
Mott the Dog
Photography
Daily Horoscope
About Us
Subscribe
Advertising Rates
Current Movies in
Chiangmai's Cinemas
Classifieds
Back Issues
Find out your Romantic Horoscope Now - Click Here!
Update by Natrakorn Paewsoongnern
 
 
 

Heart to Heart with Hillary

 

 May 19, 2018 - May 25, 2018

Dewar Hillary,

If you knew the usual interpretation of biblical propaganda it was not until “after” the discovery of their nakedness, shame and expulsion from the “Garden of Eden” that they even knew to have intercourse. (“God” in his kindness and mercy at least promised the woman that she and her kind would forever afterward have great distress in childbirth....which had yet to ever happen....)  The tempt was in the attempt at an apple. 

A big bad snake (unattached to Adam) was the culprit and the hero of the piece for without him no ancient Hebrew would have ever thought of writing it down.  It is possibly significant as the first “Red delicious” moment.  Shortly after this the price of apples went up and they had to invent money and temple taxes.

Robert

Dear Robert,

You are the perspicacious one are you not.  The Old Testament explained in just a few lines.  We should be ever so grateful.  Reminds me of when Moses went up the mountain to get the commandments and came down with 99 stone tablets, to be immediately sent back up the mountain and told to negotiate.  A week later he returned and proudly announced he had got the list of commandments down to 10.  “Only one problem,” Moses said.  “Adultery is still on!”

 

Dear Hillary,

My Thai wife tells me every night that she is going to divorce me.  The reasons are far too great in number to bore you with, but my problem is not the thought of impending divorce, it is the fact that she never gets any further than saying it is going to happen.  How can I get her to either stop the threats, or just go ahead and do it?  There must be other things that husbands and wives talk about, not just threatening divorce.  Or is this “martial” bliss after all?  What is your advice, wise Hillary?

Roger

Dear Roger,

A few weeks ago one writer was asking about communication between men and women, and I wrote that for some people they think that the art of good communication is to shout louder.  I think one of you needs to shout louder as there is something awry here.  Have you thought that it is time to talk?  Perhaps you could try that so next time when she threatens divorce, shout louder and tell her to either get on with it or give up talking about it.  If that doesn’t work, you can always get divorce papers drawn up and when she threatens divorce, whip out the papers and say, “Sign here!”  Lots of luck Roger, I think you’re going to need it.

 

Dear Hillary,

I have noticed that you spend much of your column appealing to your worried fans to send you champagne and chocolates.  Do you think this is fair?  These people have problems and you dismiss them with a “send chocolates and champagne” answer.  What is it with you and the chewies anyway?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

You young people are all the same these days - wanting an answer for everything and no waiting.  Some things are just written in the stars, my Petal.  I suppose you also want to know why the earth is round, when the simple answer is just because it is!   Likewise with Hillary and my chocolates. 

Now, for having read your letter, Perplexed, that’s one chocolate bar.  For replying to it that’s another.  Remember that not everyone is like you, my little enquirer.  That lovely man Jack Wild, who wants to build me a Grand Hyatt Erawan in the front garden of my townhouse dropped in a beautiful bottle of New Zealand wine the other day.  Thanks Jack.  Jack knows what life’s about, Petal!  Even if he is a kiwi.  You’ll get there too - eventually!  And no grass at the front please.

 

Dear Hillary,

Having given a young lady, who works in the local hostelry, some shelter for one night because it was raining, I now find that when I drop in for a beer and a chat, all the other girls rush off and get Miss Wunnite Satand for me, even if it isn’t raining.  This would be fun if I actually wanted to chat to this young lady, but there is another that interests me more.  How do I get over this problem and get to speak to the one I want, not the one the others want me to see?

Chuck

Dear Chuck,

I wish all the questions were as easy to answer as this one.  The way around this is to be honest and tell your Ms. Wunnite Satand (lovely name, isn’t it - I’m sure you didn’t make it up) that you would like to speak with her sister Ms. Neksnite Satand and could she bring her over and here’s 100 baht for your trouble.  She will understand and co-operate fully.  If you have tipped a little heavily before, then be prepared to double the finder’s fee.


May 12, 2018 - May 18, 2018

Dear Hillary,

My 23 year old GF wants to go to yoga classes, and wants me to go with her. I wouldn’t mind going once a week, but this is five days a week, and I’m over 60. Of course she has to have the lycra gear to go with it and a couple of changes for different days. I went with her for the first lesson and I was sore the next day. It might be fine for Thai women, but not for me. The GF is putting the weights on me to sign up (and pay for her as well).

Ferdy

Dear Ferdy,

If it makes you feel better, most people who sign up for Yoga classes never go the whole distance. However, I think you should adopt the Empty Wallet position, followed by the Close the Door on Your Way Out pose. Ferdy, you are being taken to the cleaners while in the Lotus.

 

Dear Hillary,

I hear that one of your readers wants to apply the British Standard (BS) Duck Test to all women. “If a bird looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.” He must have really lost a lot to be so bitter. All women are not the same. Thai women are not the same as western ones and bar girls are a different species altogether. He should stop feeling sorry for himself and get out and enjoy the company of the ladies in the bars. That’s what they’re there for. You don’t have to buy the entire library when you want to read a book.

Jim from Oz 

Dear Jim from Oz,

Despite the 50 percent divorce rate in many countries, including Australia, all women are very obviously not the same. I’m not like that for one. Despite the writer’s pessimism, his 0.01 percent still works out as 1,000 women, even in Australia. I agree that if you want a ‘good time’, the good time girls are there to give it to you. A girl for the good times in life, is not a girl who is good for life times. It should also be understood that a beer bar is not an outside office for a marriage agency. I have said in this column many times that you don’t go into a hardware shop if you are looking for a piece of cheese.

 

Dear Hillary,

I enjoy your bits each week and the advice is right on. Somebody said you should get a raise from your editor and I reckon so too. You are doing a public service so you should get the top dollar. All the ones in the US like Oprah get big money, so should you. Keep up the good work.

Hughie

Dear Hughie,

Aren’t you just the nicest man! Comparing poor little Hillary with the mighty Oprah! However there are some differences between us, you know. She’s in America, for one! You worry me though, when you say you “enjoy my bits” each week. What “bits” are we talking about here? Some of my bits are never discussed here in the column. This is a family newspaper Hughie. As far as a raise is concerned, I’ll show your letter to the editor, but he’ll just laugh and say I made it up.

 

Dear Hillary,

I’m a bit new to Thailand, so I’m probably not the first to ask this, but why do Thai women sit sideways on motorcycles? When did it start? Have they always done this? You would never see anything like this in England, so it really blows me away every time.

Sideways Sam

Dear Sideways Sam,

You seem to have your eyes open here, but you must have had them closed in the UK. Go to any horsey event and you will see the women riding side-saddle. Even the Queen of England rode side-saddle for the trooping of the color. However, getting back to your question regarding riding side-saddle here, it is for the sake of decency, young man. How can a woman in a long skirt, or even more in a short skirt, look polite and decorous with the hem hitched up above the hips, and legs hanging down each side of motorcycle (or horse, buffalo or elephant, take your pick)? Thai women have had wrap skirts for years and rode buffaloes side-saddle, long before the motorcycle arrived in the villages.

 

Dear Hillary,

I went to my usual barbers the other day to find it was closed. This was something new to me, so I drove around to see the next one, and it was closed as well. I have now been told that all barbers close on Wensdays (sic) and it was a Wensday (sic) that I was looking at. Can you tell me why they all want to shut on that day? I had to spend the rest of the afternoon in the pub instead.

Hairy Harry.

Dear Hairy Harry,

Aren’t you lucky, it was just the Bar-ber that was closed, and not the Bar-beer! We consider it to be bad luck to cut your hair on a Wednesday, so the clever barbers may as well close, rather than spread the bad luck.


May 5, 2018 - May 11, 2018

Dear Hillary,

I arrived back in Bangkok yesterday after a 6 day break in Vietnam. Sailed through immigration and baggage collect- fantastic. Thought I would see what time the next coach was to Jomtien - 10 minutes, great. Bought ticket got on coach. Another English guy sat by me and we began chatting, Thai guy in front of us stood up and said no talking on bus, we carried on talking, he turned around again and repeated no talking, I used some old English containing the word off. Anyway, the coach departed and we carried on talking like most of the people on the coach. Before the coach had left the airport perimeter the driver pulled over and very aggressively walked down the coach shouting no talking on bus. Was it because of Songkran or has a new law been passed?

Confused expat.

Dear Confused expat,

You’re confused? That makes two of us. If the demand was in English, it was directed at you. If it was in Thai, then it was for everyone else. However, were you speaking very loudly, then the bus driver probably thought you were Chinese or Indian. I think it will remain one of the world’s great mysteries, sorry Petal.

 

Dear Hillary,

We have a lot of stray dogs in our soi, and they are getting to be a problem. Never mind soiling everywhere, they are also very aggressive. They haven’t bitten anyone yet to my knowledge, but I am sure it will happen, especially with the next litter to add to the number. There is also the worry about rabies, so much so we can’t take our own dog outside of our garden, so we get dog poo on our lawn as well. If I were to accidentally run over one of these dogs, would I be breaking the law? And would I be liable to pay for vet fees and the like, if I injured one? We have contacted the city administration and they say they will look into it but nothing has happened as far as I know. The dogs are still there. What suggestions do you have for us?

Raymond

Dear Raymond,

There are 70 million people in Thailand and at three dogs per head, that’s 210 million soi dogs, and you expect one little Hillary can sweep them all up like the Pied Piper of Hamlin. Impossible, my Petal. And while your running over a couple of dogs lowers the number to 208,998,000, that’s not doing much for the overall problem, and yes, for many reasons, you would be expected to pay the vet’s consultation fee. The best advice I can give you is to organize the neighbors to get a spaying clinic and slowly you will reduce the numbers. I have been told you can fix male dogs by banging two bricks together. I asked wasn’t it very painful and was told only if you get your thumb caught between the bricks.

 

Dear Hillary,

She’s beautiful, has her own little dress shop and wants to move in with me. What can go wrong with this arrangement? It all seems too good to be true. I had known her for two months before we went dating and it just gets better and better, we go for dinner at least three times a week. The shop doesn’t make much profit so I’ve been happy to throw a few thousand baht into the kitty to keep her happy. Now here’s the problem, I am going back to the States next month and she is telling me that she needs a regular amount of money (50K) each month that she can rely on, and then she won’t need to go and work in the bars. I sort of feel I am being pressurized here. Is 50K a reasonable amount? It looks to me like a bit expensive, and we aren’t even living together.

Cliff

Dear Cliff,

Don’t jump off the cliff when you read my advice. You are being dressed for dinner, just like one of your thanksgiving turkeys. You are being offered nothing for 50K. Have you even seen the shop? Sometimes these “shops” are just a cover-up. Have you stopped to wonder how she can take so much time away from the shop? When she is off gallivanting with you, who looks after the shop? Petal, you are being set up by a scheming woman. My advice? Spend your 50K (per month!) on yourself. Forget about being the Issey Mayake of Pattaya, but be the Usain Bolt instead and hoof it!

 

Dear Hillary,

A couple of weeks ago one of your lost sheep was all of a tizz because all the pot-bellied men were trying to hit on to his Perfect 10 girlfriend. There is an old saying, which goes, “If you love her, let her go. If she comes back nobody wanted her either!” Look at all the anxiety that comes through these pages, and it isn’t necessary. Pebbles on the beach – there’s lots of them.

Garry

Dear Garry,

Aren’t you the generous warm hearted one! You don’t seem to understand that some of my readers are no longer youngsters and need sympathy and understanding. You will be old one day too, Petal.


April 28, 2018 - May 4, 2018

Dear Hillary,

Did you know the BiB are doing roadside checks in the wee hours as well as during the daytimes? Do you think this is fair? The bars are having a hard enough time of it as it is.

Jerry

Dear Jerry,

You are complaining to the wrong person, my Petal. I don’t ride my bicycle at night because the bulb is broken. Anyway, nobody sends me enough alcohol to make me go over the limit, even if they let me off the headlight thing. The rear light works well though.

 

Dear Hillary,

I feel sorry for those who are so distressed they have to write to you. They think their problem with the ladies of the night (I like that more than bar girls) are something new or different. It has been this way since the first time Eve tempted Adam. From then on, all her descendants knew how to get anything they wanted from any man, and quite simply by playing up to the man’s weaknesses. This is natural behavior and not something the ladies in the bars have invented. The following limerick shows just how misguided a man can be.

“In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,

Complacently stroking his Madam,

And great was his mirth,

For he knew that on earth

There were only two b*lls and he had ‘em.”

Manny 

Dear Manny,

You made me laugh, but that limerick needs bringing up to date, and I respectfully suggest the new version should go

“In the beer bars of Pattaya lay Adam,

Complacently stroking a Madam,

And great was the girl’s mirth,

As she knew that on earth,

He already had two bills and had paid ‘em.”

 

Dear Hillary,

I am having problems getting my passport renewed. I travel in and out of Thailand every three weeks and when I ask they say it might take six weeks. I can’t afford that sort of time. What do you suggest I do?

Baz

Dear Baz,

You don’t say what kind of passport you have. If it is a UK one, a friend recently got a new 10 year one through one of the visa companies, and I think that goes for most of them. Ask around your friends what they did. I am told a place called Key Visa in South Pattaya gave good service.

 

Dear Hillary,

How much alcohol can you take on a daily basis before it harms you? My GF has two or three wines when we go out for dinner, but then when we get home she will have another bottle in the fridge which I share with her to be sociable, and then there’s the night cap which is some cocktail or other. In the morning the bedroom smells like a brewery. What should I do?

Tony 

Dear Tony,

You are telling me how much she drinks but indicate you drink along with her “to be sociable” you say. Looks like the pot calling the kettle black to me. Why don’t you both give up drinking for a month and then review the situation from there? I have this feeling that one or both of you will fail after three days. I was once told (by a doctor) that the definition of an alcoholic is someone who drinks more than their doctor. Find a tee-total physician.

Dear Hillary,

We used to have a very quiet neighborhood until a family moved in with three dogs. They wander round the place, barking if you go near them (as dogs do) so I don’t walk around our village any more without a stick to beat them off if I need it. A friend swears by a device which gives off a sound which scares them away, but it is so high pitched that we can’t hear it, but dogs can. Do you know where I can get one of these? It sounds just what I need.

Grahame

Dear Grahame,

Maybe this device will work for you, but surely the first line of attack is to ask the new neighbors to keep their dogs in and not let them roam the streets. Are you sure the dogs belong to them, and not a couple of soi dogs. Does Security not stop them? Have you told Security? I don’t know where you would get the “Doggone” machine, but the Landlord of Jameson’s pub walks to work and hasn’t been showing bite marks, so maybe he’s got one. Or maybe the dogs don’t drink!

 

Dear Hillary,

These gentlemen who mow their lawns on a Sunday have no thought for other people who like to sleep in on a Sunday. What should I do?

Jim

Dear Jim,

Gentlemen don’t mow lawns, that job is done by the gardener, so speak to yours and ask him to speak to the others and all do the lawns on Saturday. That’s the simple answer (which won’t work). The other defense is to wear ear protectors when you go to bed, and close the windows and doors. You could also try poisoning the grass, but just don’t get caught.

  


HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]

May 19, 2018 - May 25, 2018

May 12, 2018 - May 18, 2018

May 5, 2018 - May 11, 2018

April 28, 2018 - May 4, 2018

Advertisement

 



Chiangmai Mail Publishing Co. Ltd.
189/22 Moo 5, T. Sansai Noi, A. Sansai, Chiang Mai 50210
THAILAND
Tel. 053 852 557, Fax. 053 014 195
Editor: 087 184 8508
E-mail: [email protected]
www.chiangmai-mail.com
Administration: [email protected]
Website & Newsletter Advertising: [email protected]

Copyright © 2004 Chiangmai Mail. All rights reserved.
This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.