Make Chiangmai Mail | your Homepage | Bookmark

Chiangmai 's First English Language Newspaper

Pattaya Blatt | Pattaya Mail | Pattaya Mail TV


Heart to Heart with Hillary


The ATM is complaining
Dear Hillary,
Can you help me please. Every time I get serious with one of these Thai girls, the relationship goes sour in about three months - sometime shorter. I am not a stingy person, pay the girlfriends well (30,000 baht a month salary), and after a couple of months the hand is out for more and if I don’t cough up then they’re off. What should you do with these girls? It costs money to buy them out of the bar and then it’s money, money, money. Don’t they think of anything else? I find it all very disappointing. I look after them and in the end they just kick me in the teeth. Are they all like this?

Dear ATM,
I don’t know what you are complaining about, Petal. You jump into the lion’s den and then whinge about being bitten. Let me ask you - what are you paying them a “salary” for? What “work” are they doing for this “salary”? And do they pay tax on it? While you have a price on everything, they will treat you like the ATM you volunteered to be. Look for a girlfriend away from the bars, ATM. You should be a wake-up to that scene by now. There’s enough books written on the subject. Try reading some instead of throwing good money after bad. However, if you have this dreadful need to lavish money on people, some champagne and chocolates will be very well accepted at this end. Make sure they are addressed to me, so that the boss’ son doesn’t think they are his.

Visa wanted
Dear Hillary,
I’ve just arrived from Australia on holidays and have met this rather gorgeous woman who works in Bangkok in a bank. She says she is 35, which is good for me as I’m just 30. She took the week off work, after meeting me, so she must feel like I do. I would really like to take her back to Australia after my holiday runs out in a couple of weeks, but my mates tell me there’s a problem with visas so she can’t get in. This isn’t fair if that’s the case. I got in here with a no fuss visa, so why are the Aussies so biased against Thai girls?
Visa Wanted

Dear Visa Wanted,
Talk about rushing things! Do you have some sort of terminal disease, Petal, and have to do everything today as there is no tomorrow? You’ve just got here, you’ve just met the girl of your dreams probably yesterday, or was it the day before? Now you want to take her to Australia with you, where you can both settle down and raise puppies. Pedro the Swift has nothing on you.
Now sit down and start looking at the real situation. You hardly know this woman, and if she says she is 35, then she’s probably 45 and old enough to be your mother. Why should Australia give you (her) a visa when your relationship will very quickly go sour. How do I know that? Well, relationships built on a week of passion in Thailand and then transplanted to a foreign country just don’t work, Petal. Thai women get bored and lonely very quickly when in a foreign country and away from all their kinfolk and khao tom. Enjoy your time here, but it’s a holiday romance and treat it as that. You say you are just 30 - somehow I think you are fibbing. 20 would be closer to the mark.

Stocks and Shares problems
Dear Hillary,
The stock market is falling. The SET is going down. The bars will be closed for the elections. Some party will win and another party will lose and Thailand will become unstable again. Earthquakes everywhere. What with all the doom and gloom internationally about the world going into a recession again, rice prices through the roof, petrol becoming a luxury, do you think this will produce an increase in costs in the red light areas in Thailand? Will this affect tourism and make things even worse? What is the answer?
Check Bin

Dear Check Bin,
I have to admit you’ve got me a little confused here. I am not sure what you mean, Petal. “Red light areas”? Do you mean the areas under the traffic lights, but they also go orange and green and are ignored by all road users as being unimportant, so I presume that wasn’t what you meant. If you mean the bar areas, then you should be more specific, Bin. With rice, the staple food in Thailand doubling in price, one must expect that beer, the staple drink in the bar areas, will also be going up in price. I cannot think of any other costs in the bar areas, as prostitution is against the law, and therefore does not happen. Perhaps donations to one’s favorite Buffalo Rehabilitation Unit (BRU) may have to be increased, but this I am not sure of. I suggest discreet questions to the Mamasans might yield better results than asking me, after all, I don’t really follow the international stocks and share indices.

Chaperones again
Dear Hillary,
I see that you had someone write in complaining that they had to take a chaperone with them when going to dinner with a young girl he was interested in. Why complain? This is the sort of girl we all want to meet, not the money grubbers from the beer bar. This turkey doesn’t know just how lucky he is. Tell him to send me the details and I’ll happily go in his place. There’s a lot of guys like me who have been ripped off over the years, and to find someone who is living a sheltered life is almost too good to be true here. Stop complaining Dude!

Dear Jealous,
You read the letter, but did you also read my reply? I said, “You are considerably older than her and have spent the past two years in the bar scene, by your own letter. If you want to progress with this relationship, you must not just agree for a chaperone to be present, but you should suggest it, when you do ask her out to that dinner or a show.” I was trying to get him to see just how fortunate he really was, but I think two years of “Hello sexy man. Come in please. Sit down please. You want beer? Another beer? By me drink. I wan go wit you. Pay bar for me?” was all too much. He is a lost cause, I feel.

Happy ending
Dear Hillary,
Where can I go to get a ‘straight’ massage? Every massage place I stop at offers me massages with “happy ending”. I have a longstanding back and right leg problem after an accident a few years ago, and a proper deep massage does seem to help. The other kind doesn’t. Any ideas Hillary?
Bad Back

Dear Bad Back,
What a lovely change, my Petal. Most of the readers who write in here have a middle leg problem and not a right leg (or left leg) one. ‘Physical’ massage is certainly good for all kinds of ailments, but you have to find a place that advertizes that it does ‘traditional Thai’ massage. Most of the big hotels have a spa and massage area, though they cater for the tourists more (and charge tourist prices). Tell any place you go to that you don’t want an oil massage, but want physical massage. Hope you feel better soon.

Face-off book
Dear Hillary,
How do I stop realtors filling my Facebook pages with offers that I don’t want? Is everybody like this? I thought it was supposed to be “social” networking, not business advertising. Or am I wrong?

Dear Bewildered,
Like you, I wonder just how some of the entries appear on my page. “Friends” that I’ve never heard of in my life tell me that they are going to or have been to places I have never heard of either. I used to moan about this, but then I was shown the ‘magic button’. Scroll down the left side of the page until you come to an entry called ‘Unfriend’ and hit that. In an instant, your ‘friend’ you have never heard of disappears like magic in a puff of ethereal smoke. Use it frequently and you can even become giddy with your new-found power. Enjoy!

Hairy problem
Dear Hillary,
After putting it off as I was so busy, I just had to get a haircut or a violin. Since I can’t play any musical instruments at all and don’t want to take violin lessons at my age, I went to my usual barbers, to find it was closed. This was something new to me, so I drove around to see the next one, and it was closed as well. Asking around with my friends, I was told that all barbers close on Wensdays (sic) and it was a Wensday (sic) that I was looking at getting the locks shorn. Can you tell me why they all want to shut on that day? I had to spend the rest of the afternoon in the pub instead. Is it a government rule or what?
Just sign me Harry the Hair.

Dear Harry the Hair,
Aren’t you lucky, it was just the Bar-ber that was closed, and not the Bar-beer! That would have been a national disaster. Pre-warning Harry, the Thai national elections are coming up and the Bar-beers all have to close, so you and your drinking mates should lay in a stock of the amber fluid now to get you over the election days. Your friends were correct, by the way. The barbers do close on Wednesday (write out the correct spelling 100 times, Petal). It is not a government (write this one out 100 times as well) rule, but comes from the fact that we consider it to be bad luck to cut your hair on a Wednesday, so the clever barbers may as well close, rather than spread the bad luck. It is something like the old religious edict of “no meat on Fridays” overseas, which gave the butchers a holiday as well. Don’t go looking for a gold shop on Saturdays either. That’s their holiday.

What happened to Nairod?
Dear Hillary,
A couple of years back you had some chap who wanted to date you and he was called Narood or something like that. You kept on turning him down, and were quite strong to him a few times. What ever happened to him? I am wondering if the rejections were too much for him to handle? Do you remember him?
The Enquirer

Dear Enquirer,
Yes, Petal, I do remember him. How could I possibly forget him, drawing pictures of me in floral print dresses, and I never wear floral prints. You have a good memory, but his name was Nairod, not Narood, and I’ll give you the fact that he certainly was persistent. But his spelling was also atrocious, something I cannot stand. I do remember suggesting he pitch his tent on the middle of Sukhumvit Road, and as I haven’t heard from him since, perhaps he did. Those Orange Crush busses don’t stop for anything. I don’t think I saw an obituary for him, but he really was a simple soul, and totally forgettable, other than by you and me. If he’s still out there, he can send me a short letter to show he’s still alive, but no floral prints and protestations of undying love. OK?

A 50 year old with a 1000 year old problem
Dear Hillary,
I am a young (relatively) 50 year old and enjoy the nightlife round here. I don’t take any of the offers I get from the girls seriously, as I know they are out for a fun time, just like I am. Recently there’s been one girl that has singled me out as hers, and she’s great fun too, but I just think she’s been getting too serious as now the other girls all leave me alone. How do I get back to playing the field, the way I like to do it?
Fit ‘n 50

Dear Fit ‘n 50,
I think you are trying to blame some girl for your problems, Petal. I think it is you who has become serious. Did she “single you out” or did you single her out? If you think the girls in the bars are just there for a “fun time” like you, then you haven’t even started to understand the situation at all. You may be a wonderfully fit 50 year old, but it’s not your body that they are after. It’s your wallet, Sweet Pea. Once you have grasped that fact, you can get back to playing your field, but I suggest you go to another bar, there’s a reasonably large number of them after all, and start again, and if you wish to remain footloose and fancy free, keep moving.

Is Hillary a real person?
Dear Hillary,
Are you a real person? You’ve been handing out the advice for a few years, but we never get to see you. With all the functions that the Mail attends, we would have expected to see at least one shot. But none. Mates have come to the conclusion that you are not one person, but are probably like a committee and you share out this week’s letters, keep the good ones and bin the rest. Are we right? Or are we right! Honest answer please, “Ms.” Hillary.

Dear Jason (and the Argonauts),
Sorry to disappoint you boys, but Hillary is one person, and is definitely not a committee. Remember that a camel was a horse designed by a committee. Do you honestly think the Mail could come to an agreement on what to keep and what to bin? Sorry, but you are very wrong.

Wealth hazards - again
Dear Hillary,
I remain utterly flabbergasted that every week, or it seems that way, you will get another letter from a broken hearted male who has lost another house and several ounces of gold to another young Thai hussy. That is after the buffalo has had its expensive injections to get it on its feet again and her brother’s broken leg is mended after falling off the motorbike that he bought the girlfriend. And let’s not forget the repairs to the motorbike as well. Does nobody warn these people that this is the most likely outcome? Perhaps you should have a notice inserted in the paper that Thai women are a wealth hazard!
The Wise Investor

Dear Wise Investor,
Are you implying that Thai ladies are only after what’s in the male wallet, and not in the pants? How could you possibly say such things? Have you been reading Stephen Leather’s book Private Dancer to come out with these preposterous ideas? And where Stephen Leather got the ideas in the first place is way beyond me. The reason the girls are all sitting on stools outside a bar is because they are just walking to work and they are tired and have sat down for a little breather. That’s all. The thought of getting some well endowed male (in the monetary sense, Petal) to donate to the family financial cause is the furthest thing from their mind. So you see, there’s nothing to warn the young chaps about.

Stingy Swede
Dear Hillary,
I just finish with boyfriend old Sweden. Him say he take me to Sweden but make big excuse every time. I get visa and everything. Pay myself, not ask him for money. Say take me over now for one year but not take over. I look after he when he come twice a year. Stay in room me. Not ask rent. I think him stingy man. Why farang tell lies all the time? I not look for farang man any more.
Kulap (Rose)

Dear Kulap (Rose),
Thank you for your letter, and I am sorry you have been disappointed in this relationship. But you must remember that not all Thai girls are like you, and not all farang men are like your old boyfriend. In the future, it will be better if you don’t go “looking” for a boyfriend, but just wait till the right man comes along. He is the one who makes your heart jump, and you do the same for him. He will appear, K. Rose, but just let it happen. Don’t go looking everywhere for where ‘your’ farang is hiding.

A chaperone for Jim
Dear Hillary,
I have found a very nice young Thai woman, and not in the bar scene, so it’s a bit different from what I’ve been used to in the last two years. I’m not young, though not over the hill like some of the people I see round here. I do know how to give a woman a good time, and I don’t mean sex, and look forward to taking her to some nice restaurants and shows. We haven’t actually gone out yet, but she’s been giving me the idea that we would have to take someone with us if we do go out. A chaperone at my age? Should I agree to this, after all it’s 2011 not 1911. I do want to get to know her better.

Dear Jim,
You’ve got this the wrong way round, Jim my Petal. The chaperone is not for you, the chaperone is for her. You are at least of mature age, by your letter, while she is “young”. Her family wants to protect her from people such as yourself, no matter how good a time you are promising her. You are considerably older than her and have spent the past two years in the bar scene, by your own letter. If you want to progress with this relationship, you must not just agree for a chaperone to be present, but you should suggest it, when you do ask her out to that dinner or a show. She will be appreciative of your gesture, and you will get that opportunity you want to get to know her better. By the way, make sure that the restaurant also does Thai food. She does not sound as if she is used to foreign ways, customs and cuisines.

Symphony Concerts
Dear Hillary,
This may sound funny but it isn’t and is really a very embarrassing problem for me, so please don’t use my real name. From my childhood I have suffered from wind for many years. My mother even tells me I had it when a baby. Beer brings it on, so does spicy Thai food, so I steer well clear of them. Living on my own it is not too much of a problem as I can let one rip whenever I like, but now I’ve got a problem. I have just taken up with a lovely young lady and after three months it is obvious that she would be willing to spend some nocturnal quality time with me. I am now really afraid, because my music can happen while I’m asleep and is enough to wake the dead I have been told before. I don’t want her to hear the Charge of the Light Brigade and be put off by the musical items that my bottom can produce, so what do you suggest? I can’t stay awake all night with my legs crossed as well as my fingers.

Dear Flatulent,
You have my sympathies, Flatulent, as opposed to my symphonies. You have several choices, however. You can opt to remain celibate and join the clergy, but your flatulent fits might be misunderstood as music to some cleric’s ears. You could train yourself to be able to play the Charge of the Light Brigade, and make money from your musical bottom. A French entertainer did just that. Called Le Petomane, he was a famous flatulist and he could musically extinguish a candle at one meter, as well as play the sol-fah scale. If you don’t want to come out in the open, then you can have a further look at your diet and avoid milk products and green beans, as well as the beer and som tum, and see if that helps. Have you tried camomile tea before going to bed? If all else fails, you could always get the young lady concerned to ‘burp’ you before settling down for the night. That is what your mother would have done.