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Heart to Heart with Hillary


Dear Hillary,
We’re right into 2012 already and I reckon 90 percent of the New Year resolutions will have been broken by now.  I was going to give up the beer, but that didn’t last past January 2.  What about you, Hills old bean?  What resolutions did you make and break?

Dear Thomas,
A little less of the “Hills old bean” if you don’t mind, Petal.  Yes I have already broken a New Year’s resolution too - and that was to ignore stupid, crass and senseless people like you for the whole 12 months.  I only lasted a week, and here I am with sparks flashing from my eyes as I reply to your drivel.  I am going to make myself write out 100 times “I will not respond to rubbish letters.  I will not respond to rubbish letters.  I will not respond to rubbish letters.  I will not respond to rubbish letters.”  Whew, four down, only 96 to go…

Dear Hillary,
I have a gorgeous Thai GF who just lights up my life when I come over to Thailand.  I come three times a year and that’s all I think about when I’m back Stateside.  We email all the time and so we have good contact while I’m away.  What worries me is I don’t know if I’m the only one for her, like she’s the only one for me.  When my wife got an assignment out of town, I changed my flight, bringing it forward a week, and this produced a strange response, with her saying that she would be up-country visiting her family that week, so she couldn’t meet me like usual at the airport.  I came anyway, but the other girls at her work (OK, she’s from a bar) said she had another boyfriend.  When she did show after a week, it was just like I’d never been away, or that she was a week late.  I never had doubts before, but now I do.  If I’m being strung along here I’d like to know.  I send her quite a few dollars every month, which is so she doesn’t have to turn tricks while I’m gone.  She assures me she just works as the cashier and doesn’t go off.  But I’m really starting to have doubts.  How do I find out if she’s stringing me along here?

Dear Elwyn,
You have not given me near enough information, but you did reveal that you are married, and not to your Thai sweetheart, who works in a bar.  What makes you think you have a license to be unfaithful, but she can’t?  She has a far greater entitlement to having a string of boyfriends than you have.  In fact, you have a damned cheek to even suppose she has to remain unattached because you send a few dollars each month.  And I notice you didn’t say just how many dollars you send.  You can hire a Private Investigator if you like, but could you trust one of those either?  Face reality, Petal.  You have a part-time GF who lives in Thailand and who works in a bar.  What do you think she is doing there?

Dear Hillary,
Can you help please.  Do all Thai people ask you the most personal questions?  Things like “How much money you make?  You married yet?  Why not?  You got girlfriend?  You want me to go with you?”  Apart from the fact that this is considered a very rude way of starting a relationship in the UK, I also find it very embarrassing when I am over here.  How do I get these people to stop doing this?  You seem to have the answers for everyone else, so I hope you have some for me too.
Shy and Retiring

Dear Shy and Retiring,
Or is that Shy and Retired?  You have to look at where are these women who ask such direct questions.  My bet is in a bar somewhere.  Those are bar-girl questions expressed while playing a game of Connect 4 (to see if they can arrange a ‘connect 2’ later in the evening.  Bar-girls are not in the habit of issuing a gilt edged invitation to dinner, hand inscribed in Ye Olde English.  Be real and be thankful that ‘these people’ as you call them are interested enough in you to even ask questions.  There’s only one thing worse than being a wall-flower at parties, and that’s not being asked at all.  In actual fact, my turtledove, those inquiries are very cleverly designed “standard” bar girl questions to see if you are worthwhile bothering with at all.  If you have no money, all interest will be lost immediately.  Likewise if you are married they will want to know if “You marry Thai?” or whether your partner is waiting faithfully for you back home in the UK (or America - see letter above yours), while you contemplate the unfaithful ideas.  Lighten up and when you are asked next time just say, “No money.  Wife take all money to boy bar,” and then laugh a lot.  They’ll get the message and you will be left happily lonely, then you can write me letters asking why does nobody talk to you!

Dear Hillary,
Bit of daft advice that one Hills, keeping the crash helmet in the shopping basket at front of the bike, this blocks off the headlight from oncoming traffic, I get peed off nearly crashing into motor bikes because I can’t see them coming because they have no front light, only to see as they pass that they do have lights but they are completely obscured by bags of shopping.  Most of us have had M/C accidents here, I broke several bones by driving into a large pothole, thought I was superman taking off, but I was wearing a good helmet so head ok.  Now I drive a car.
Mr. John 

Dear Mr. John,
Can’t you see I was being sarcastic when I wrote, “Thailand is very hot and helmets are hot to wear, so the best place for the helmet is in the wire basket up front.”  Goodness me, my Petal, do I have to write (humor, 5555) after statements like that?  (And for those overseas, the number 5 is spoken as “ha”, so 5555 is Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!)  And despite the obscured headlights on others, you managed to have an accident all on your own when you did not see a pothole.  The biter bit, I believe is the phrase.  Anyway, I am glad to hear you are back to your observant self, and stay away from motorcycles!

Dear Hillary,
I think I have timed this right to wish you a Good New Year.  Thank you for all the fun and tongue in cheek replies, especially to some of the more stupid questions you get.  I don’t know why you don’t just tear them up (or is it hit the “delete” button these days)?  Anyway, have a safe and happy new year.
Eddie and the boys in the Gulf

Dear Eddie and the boys in the Gulf,
Thank you for making my Friday, Petals, and yes you timed it perfectly to get into the last edition for 2011.  It went so quickly.  Did you find it the same?  Shame that you have to spend the New Year’s Eve on a rig, but think of the money you’ll get, and the headaches you won’t get.

Dear Hillary,
Ever since my wife found Facebook this year, she spends hours and hours and hours glued to the computer screen.  She says she has to reply to friends and last time I looked she had 3,985 “friends”.  That’s impossible, she hasn’t met 3,985 people in her life.  She’s only 30 and that makes it about 140 a day.  Friends are people you go down the pub with, not people you’ve never met who bob up in a computer.  How do I get her to stop this nonsense?

Dear Frank,
I’m sorry to say but there is nothing you can do about it, other than forgetting to pay the electricity bill!  Facebook is very popular and it allows people to communicate with other “friends” all over the world.  I understand what you mean about “friends”, but you just have to get used to a different meaning of the word these days.  Mind you, I get the feeling that your nose might be a little out of joint - are you feeling left out?  Get yourself a Facebook identity and secretly correspond with your wife.  You never know what you might find!