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Heart to Heart with Hillary


Update May 28, 2016

Dear Hillary,
I know you’ve had quite a few guys writing in with GF problems. I just want everyone to read this and remember that these Thai women work on a different set of rules to us Europeans. Where we honor honesty in everything, including relationships, the local women are also “honest” but only to what they are thinking at the time. So they can say they will meet you at 3, that doesn’t mean they will be there at that time, because of, because of, because of, but rather than tell you why because you wouldn’t understand, they make up some fanciful story which then becomes “honesty”. They work on if you say the same story over and over, it becomes the truth. Different strokes for different folks!

Dear Walter,
Congratulations! You have discovered the secret of life in SE Asia. They are different strokes, and the sooner some of the foreigners accept this, the better off they will be. Some Westerners consider the Thai girls to be like children, because they laugh a lot and can ignore some things that the Westerners consider important – like time keeping, for example. However, those “children” can run rings around westerners in critical thinking and determining what is ‘really’ important and what is not. Learn to accept the different cultures, and do not forget that this country is called Thailand, not Farangland. Sorry.

Dear Hillary,
I’ve met a real honey. A happy bouncy woman (at 39 she’s too old to be called a ‘girl’) and I have found myself becoming very attracted to her. Here’s my problem, if she stays overnight, should I give her some money or not? She doesn’t work in a bar, never worked in a bar (not even as ‘cashier’), has her own little shop, but I’m sure it doesn’t bring in big licks. Is it expected that I give her some money? Up till now I have been paying her, and she gratefully accepts the two thousand, but what do I do if she moves in? Sorry, but I’m new at this.

Dear Gordy,
A rather wise expat once told me that he pays the girl in the morning, for her to go away, not for having stayed. Now think about that in your circumstance, my Petal. I suggest you stop paying for the overnighters, and start paying for her company instead. No fixed rate for this kind of relationship, but I would ask her what she wants and take it from there. Sensible numbers means a sensible woman, silly numbers means an opportunist. Be guided by that. Best of luck, Petal.

Dear Hillary,
I have been a loyal supporter of your particular column. I find your column very rewarding in that it is sort of like group therapy for us Thailand stricken folks. I find you very caring, loving, but mostly supportive of one and all who write in with their trials and tribulations that are sincere and straightforward. There are certainly so many varied experiences that us farangs encounter when first arriving at the gates to heaven on earth. I do not want to get into any long stories about my particular adventures in the wonderful land of smiles, but suffice to say, they have all been earth shattering, and downright addictive in nature. After many years of learning from my mistakes, I now find myself engaged in a loving, caring, and real marriage to a bar girl. In my eyes, and that’s the key; if we truly fall in love with another human being, then we should be willing to ignore all the flack, and give all our hearts and souls into that relationship, and embrace that individual’s culture and customs and adapt! Simple as that! I think the key is learn from our mistakes! And make the necessary adjustments if that is really what you want. MONEY! Money is for here and now, so let’s enjoy all our adventures, good and bad, and try to make this planet a better place for everyone, not just the chosen few. Thanks very much for all your hard and entertaining work Ms. Hillary.

Dear Jon,
Thank you for all the nice words. It is always nice to think that someone appreciates what goes into the column. You are also very caring and loving, and have obviously developed a broader viewpoint of life, and as you say, “Let’s enjoy all our adventures, good and bad, and try to make this planet a better place for everyone, not just the chosen few.” I also like your philosophy on love, especially putting hearts and souls into the relationship. Sure, you may get burned on the way through, but it is never the end of the world. If you made money once, you can make it again. If you loved once, you can love again. And you are right, my Petal. Learn from your mistakes – in everything in life. Again thank you. You made my world a better place today as well. Now I think I’ll go and bark at somebody, just in case they think I’ve gone soft!

Update May 21, 2016

Hi Hillary,
I have to tell you a typical story of relationship between farang and Thai girl which I witnessed. I was on the car-taxi traveling along Beach Road and across of me sat a British man very old at least 90 with a young girl 22 to 25. The man kept talking to her and even me, American, had problem understanding what he said with his heavy accent not to mention that she didn’t understand a word. The girl just smile and hold his sucker hand very tight. Her fingers were full of gold plus wedding band. This is how I red (sic) her face and her thinking: “I married this old fart and he won’t die, I hope he die soon so I can get all his money. When he die my family and I will have a big celebration. He probably think I am stupid, he is right, but I will hire a very smart lawyer who will get me all his money.”
Any old man can hire a live in aid who will do the same work as wife. Wouldn’t an old foolish man prefer that his money will go to his children? This old man think that by marrying her she will have to have sex with him which an aid would not.
What sex? At your age you can not perform and if you use a helpful drug you might die from heart attack and then back to the celebrating wife.

Dear George,
You, my Petal, are certainly the most judgmental person I know. Just what is wrong with your 90 year old enjoying his money in his retirement? These children of his that you say the 90 year old would prefer to give his money to are all 60-70 years old themselves. They get the pension and can spend their own money on wine, women and song. And how do you know our nonagenarian can’t perform? Leave him alone to enjoy his 25 year old girlfriend. But your letter does remind me of the 70 year old walking down the street with a 17 year old. When his mates all asked how did he end up with such a beauty he replied, “It was easy, I lied about my age. I told her I was 90.”

Dear Hillary,
What is it with these men who complain about the way the Thai women relate to the foreigners? Don’t they understand this isn’t NY City or London? Your home country women have their own ways of getting money out of you, but they are more sneaky than the Thai who are up front about it all. At the beginning of the relationship it is “Buy me cola.” This later becomes “You buy me house.” Whereas the foreign female gets you to buy a house for both of you and then divorces you and keeps the lot. I’ll take my chances with the local ladies.

Dear Mickey,
There are always problems with these ‘mixed’ marriages – foreigners and locals, but if you keep your brains under your hat and not in the underpants you can survive very well. You look like you’ve got a good handle on the situation. Enjoy your life, Mickey.

Dear Hillary,
You have often mentioned books that newcomers to Thailand should read and you should add “Falangs in Thailand” to that list. These cartoon books by Mike Baird are based on truth and everyone who laughs at the drawings should also remember that (it is based on truth). The cartoonist must have spent a lot of time watching what goes on in Pattaya, but what he shows is the same for Bangkok, Phuket and Chiang Mai. “Private Dancer” by Stephen Leather is another book that anyone who spends time in the bars should read. Stay there long enough and it will happen to you, so be warned. I hope this helps, Hillary. I enjoy your column.

Dear Kevin,
I am so glad you like my weekly (weakly some days) column. Thank you for the information about suitable books, and I have enjoyed all of Mike’s books and do agree with your ideas. Unfortunately, I think many young chaps who come here (and some not so young as well) don’t seem to be able to read. Perhaps the cartoon books will be better for them, as long as they realize that Mike Baird is being very satirical. We can only hope, Petal. We can only hope.

Dear Hillary,
I’m lining up for a divorce after three years separation. I don’t want to spend heaps on this, but she won’t agree with divorce unless I give her large alimony payments. How to get around this?

Dear William,
As you have found out, to your sorrow, that where there’s a will, there’s always a won’t. Your (hope to be ex-) wife doesn’t have all the aces, Petal, but go and see a lawyer. Tell him or her that you only have so much money, and can they do the job for that amount? If they can’t then all you can do is tell the judge your situation. Lots of luck.

Update May 14, 2016

Hi Hillary,
I see guys in their 20s come here to have sex with local girls. I feel sorry for them, they lack self confidence and low self esteem. They pay for long flight, hotel and the girl price. That a lot of money for sex. When I was their age I had girls at my country coming out of my sleeves and never paid for sex. Poor guys.
Bar girls are smart they trying to have as many “boyfriends” as possible. They meet tourists who are here for short time pretend to fall in love, telling you every day “I lab you” the man fall in love and agree to send her about $300 a month till he come again next year for two weeks. She text him every day “I lab you”. The man paid $300 a month time 12 it’s bht 130,000 a year for two weeks sex-stupid. Some girls have few “boyfriends”. If two boyfriends coming same two weeks vacation, she will keep one and notify the other she will be with her parents in the mountains. There are too many suckers here.

Dear Goerge,
You have obviously not been listening properly to bar-girl English. It is “I lub you”, not “I lab you.” I am also worried about the fact that you put a financial value on all transactions, with “That a lot of money for sex” for example. Are you an accountant in a bank? These men that you are worried about, arriving here with no self-confidence and low self esteem seem to have gone back after two weeks, just brimming with it. The much maligned bar girl seems to have done a wonderful job with your emotional cripples, it would appear. The $300 per month is cheap for such powerful medicine, and the men are not complaining, it is only you Goerge, my Petal.

Dear Hillary,
Am on the trail of a “good girl”. You know, the kind of girl you are always bleating on about. Well, I started to have a chatting relationship with the local laundry lady. She made it obvious that she was interested in me, always made sure she served me and not one of the other staff members. Long story short, I was passing her shop one night and she was just leaving so I stopped and said perhaps she might like a meal, so she said yes and suggested a little local place just up the road. We spent some time there, and a few bottles of brown ale, and we ended up in bed together. She was wonderful in the sack and I thought at the time that you were right, Hillary, suggesting we look for the good girls. She left in the morning and even took the laundry.
However, when I went to the laundry a couple of days later she told me she was going to Bangkok for the weekend to visit her daughter and she had no money, could I give her 2,000 baht? It certainly wasn’t a loan! Like a sucker, I suppose, I opened my wallet and she had 2,000 baht in her fingers in no time, while rubbing my back.
A couple of weeks later, the same scene. She’d come over, spend the night and the next time I saw her in the laundry it was another 2,000 baht. The only difference between this “good” girl and ones from the bar is you know what is the going rate, and you pay then, not a few days down the road a bit.
So what do I do, Hillary? Continue on, but put her in the bar girl basket, or a pretend relationship as a “good” girl?

Dear Will,
The lesson here, is you get nothing for nothing! With your laundry lady you can go to restaurants and know people aren’t looking at the pair of you and saying “bar girl” under their breath. You were not to know she might like a financial contribution to help the relationship along. You never know, she might be amenable to a discount on the laundry, in exchange for the sleep-overs! We’ve all got to live, Will. Times are tough my Petal. Don’t be so judgmental.

Dear Hillary,
My Thai GF no sooner finishes eating than she’s ready to go again. She’s as thin as a rake, but eats all the time. Her mates are all just the same, finish one round and they’re ready for the next. It gets me, I go out after the third course. What’s the secret, Hillary?

Dear Wondering,
Is that “wondering” or “wandering” I wonder? What do you do between courses four and five? No, Petal, eating is more than just a meal for your Thai GF, it is a very social time when friends can get together and share the food. That can occur at any time of day or night, but the food they eat, such as the favorite som tam is not high in sugar and calories, so that’s why your GF remains thin. The chilli also hurries the food through the system. As the TV program warns “Don’t try this at home!” The real som tum can be far too spicy for foreigners.

Update May 7, 2016

Dear Hillary,
I thought the most used saying in Thai was “Have you eaten yet?” I have recently spent some time in Bangkok Hospital Pattaya, and the most used phrase is when the nurse needs to change your sheets, she casually says “Up you bum.”

Dear Bryan,
Ooh, aren’t you the lucky one! There’s a fair percentage of people round town waiting for an invitation like that. However, on behalf of all the hard working nurses everywhere, I’m sure what she wanted you to do was raise your hips!

Dear Hillary,
There’s been some letters to you about the Kid in the Candy store. As was pointed out, some foreigners never get over the candy store phase, but I think you will find that this is because they haven’t found the girl they really “clicked” with, so rather than become a crotchety old thing (I’m not pointing the finger at you, Hillary) they stay in the candy store, and I never hear many complaints. Have you heard of serial monogamy Hillary? That’s what this leads to.
Billy the Kid

Dear Billy the Kid,
I am so glad you’ve got everything in your life mapped out so well. It’s because of generous souls like yourself that the candy stores can continue to trade. In the meantime a box of Maynard’s Wine Gums will be very satisfactory. Thank you my Petal. However, this cereal mahogany has me a little worried. Is this a breakfast cereal the candy store sells? With colored hundreds and thousands on the top?

Dear Hillary,
Do these writing in people understand what they are doing? They go to a bar and in no time they are setting themselves up with the blushing virgin beauty. After that it’s off to the village to meet the in-laws and the entire village (some interbreeding I think) then getting a house built (it’s cheap up country) then buying the house down here, in her name of course. Then it all goes sour, the Thai husband arrives in the newly purchased marital home, and he’s out. The dream had no substance, just his dreams in the sky. Never mind the Nigerian scams, the Thai lady scams don’t even need email. The chap in question runs head first into the trap, and some do it more than once. Oh my dizzy aunt.

Dear Rob,
Your understanding of the village marriage goes far beyond that of someone reading my column each week. You are relating the situation as it happened to you. Am I not right, Petal? Don’t let it happen for a third time. For you, I think looking at a ‘rental’ agreement is safer.

Dear Hillary,
Are all Thai girls as forward as the one I met the other night? I was sitting on my own in the bar and I didn’t want to listen to the usual inane chatter that the bar girls carry on with, so I started to talk to the service girl and she seemed a nice enough lady, so I bought her a couple of drinks, but then went home. The next day she rolls up at my office with some flowers for me! I was so embarrassed, as all my work mates were laughing. I asked one of the girls to find out what she wanted, but all they said was that the lady liked me. What do I do with this? The last thing I need is unwanted visits.
Embarrassed Eddie

Dear Embarrassed Eddie,
Just how did this girl know where you worked? If she is clairvoyant, then I think you should keep her, my Petal, and cash up on all the winning lottery tickets she will predict for you. But if, on the other hand, it was because you gave her your business card, then you have nobody to blame but yourself. Of course you can always use someone else’s card, but I didn’t tell you that.

Dear Hillary,
Like you always advise us, look for the “good” girls, and I have found one, but there’s still a problem. She works in a dress shop and is really quite a stunner. I pass by every day and if she spots me, I always get a wave and a big smile. Sometimes I catch her outside the shop and she is always happy to chat. But today she just looked away and I was too embarrassed to go further. Hillary, I have put six months into this, and I am starting to feel the chase after “good” girls isn’t worth it. What do you suggest?

Dear Jurgen,
You have been smiling like an idiot and nodding for six months and you wonder why this girl has given up on you? Come on, Jurgen, six months and no invitation to dinner, movies, lunch and all the usual ways of getting to know a “good” girl. I would have given up on you by three months, Petal. Your girl from the dress shop was hoping for some excitement in her life. What did she get? Grin, grin, smile and nothing else. Some days you men amaze me with your gormless approach to life. Be a little more brave next time Jurgen.


HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]

Update May 28, 2016

Update May 21, 2016

Update May 14, 2016

Update May 7, 2016