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Heart to Heart with Hillary


Update August 27, 2016

Dear Hillary

We had a highly efficient hard working manager of our condo building. She would be at paperwork nights and overtime on weekends. She was an excellent employee of an overlord national Thai management company. One of the Walking Street Buffoons came to me (I was on committee) saying she was “no different from any other whore out there” as he had seen her at the clubs. Of course “the male whore” did not think to apply the same appellation to himself.

What she does for recreation, husband hunting, or money is no one’s business. The typical “Pattaya Addict” is a multiple failure at relationships/marriages in their own country. They can neither change nor rediscover their humanity. Many of them are dysfunctional crazies. They are creatures to be pitied more than anything else and are fortunate for the company of a companion for pay.


Dear Robert,

Ooohhh, that’s an acid tongue you have this morning, my Petal. I do agree that whatever a person does in their own time, is their own business and nobody else’s. But while you are ready to spring to the rights of the Pattaya ladies, you are not spreading that advice to cover the males here. Is the “Pattaya Addict” really that bad? Perhaps they are happy paying for a companion for the evening, without the hassles of being told to put out the rubbish and the dog’s pooped on the carpet. As you say, “they can neither change nor rediscover their humanity.” But do they want to?



Did you know Hillary, the first name of your favorite beverage translates to “Widow”?


Dear Don,

So you are good at French are you, Don? Yes, Widow Clicquot was a remarkable woman (16 December 1777 – 29 July 1866). Known as the “Grand Dame of Champagne”, she was a French businesswoman who took on her husband’s wine business when widowed at 27. Under her ownership, and her skill with wine, the company developed early champagne using a novel technique. The brand and company of Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin still bears her name, and is drunk by Hillary as its major recommendation.

She is not to be confused with Madame Bollinger who reputedly said, “Sometimes I drink it when I’m alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I’m not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise, I never touch it - unless I’m thirsty.”

Don, darling, just leave the bottle for me at the Pattaya Mail office, clearly marked “FOR HILLARY” otherwise the messenger will claim it. That’s a very sweet Petal.


Dear Hillary,

I examined my wine room and discovered 89 bottles of Veuve Clicquot!

Don (again)

Dear Don (again),

If I didn’t know you were an inveterate liar, I would have been right over and been yours for 89 days (I didn’t say ‘nights’)! I also know, from personal experience, that 7-Eleven doesn’t sell any champagnes, and I’m sorry, Mont Clair Sparkling doesn’t cut it.


Dear Hillary,

You were asked where to buy diamonds - Yes Hatton Garden in London... Definitely NOT Thailand.


Dear Chris,

Thank you for the timely advice, so that people who have bought diamonds here don’t go and deposit them in Hatton Garden. A brief perusal of the British Daily Mail revealed news of a heist on Easter last year with the huge amount of goods stolen. Valuables worth up to 14million, including gold, diamonds and sapphires were taken. Two-thirds of them remain unrecovered.

The gang - who have been described as ‘analogue criminals in a digital age’ - were tracked down due to a series of mistakes, including one of them using his own car during the heist.

Following a painstaking investigation in which a surveillance operation caught three of the ringleaders bragging about the raid in a north London pub, the group were arrested.

And what’s more, they were all pensioners. But fancy bragging about it in their local pub. I’m never going to listen in to conversations around the Jameson’s Nova table again!

If you want to read more, go to


Dear Hillary,

You had a chap wondering if he should take the “big step” and let his casual GF move in with him. She has a shop he says so he has already worked out that she gets a double income if she arrives on the doorstep with toothbrush in hand. So what’s stopping him? Looks like a win-win situation to me.


Dear Tom,

Oh what wimpy people we are breeding these days! I think the guy is not ready for a live-in relationship, but she is the smart one and as you say, it all becomes a rent free double income for her. All he has to do now is to get an agreement signed so that she knows her income from the shop is hers, and his income from his work (or pension) is his. Then they decide how much he will give her for being a live-in lover. This then becomes a simple financial transaction, which is what she wants, and he is afraid of. As I advised before, he is not ready for any form of commitment.

Update August 20, 2016

Dear Hillary,
I just had “short time” with best looking girl I had since I came here a year ago. Smart girl. She watch TV during the act. To my question she respond, as I said to you before, that she and all the bar hooker all hate men and hate sex extreamly (sic). But they have to buy food for their baby for their mama and for themselves (sic). After convincing her that I will never date bar girl she said that there are a lot of fools who date bar girl and milk them for a lot of money. Not just salary they get they also go to shopping center with their boyfriends every day since it’s the best place to hang out with good air condition and shopping. There (sic) the (sic) make their boyfriend buy them everything from clothes to shoes and accessories. And in the night they use all kind of tricks to avoid sex. Usually “very tired” to headache and stomach ache to period and so on. All that come (sic) from a mouth of a miserable hooker not a “happy hooker”.

Dear George,
Why do I think you are not someone who is looking dispassionately at the world around him, but rather someone with burned fingers and a desire to get back at all bar girls that he presumes are “hookers”? I’m sorry, but you are not bringing earth shattering news to the male population at large. I’ve seen all this before, my Petal, and so have the readers. And the fact that you could still perform while your bed partner watched TV shows how much of a desperado you really are. Part of me feels sorry for you, but that doesn’t last very long. Time for you to get a life and be thankful that the next sucker to be bled dry is someone else, and not you anymore. (This conversation is now closed.)

Dear Hillary,
Further to your protestations regarding impending matrimonial bliss at the Pattaya Mail, “So, we have determined the kind of girl you are and we are only discussing price? ;-)”

Dear Robert,
How dare you! You must have surely realized I have been saving myself for that ‘special’ man who will come my way, and it’s not the dreadful Nairod, nor is it the equally appalling George (letter above yours). I do not expect a dowry or any other type of bride price – after all what would I do with two buffalo in Thepprasit Road? Be real Robert.

Dear Hillary,
Seems like every holiday there are people who claim that their vacation has been ruined because they couldn’t drink for a day. If you can’t go a day with no liquor without it ruining things for you, you have a lot bigger problem than wine for dinner.

Dear John,
(I still get a kick out of responding “Dear John” as I don’t get much opportunity for “Dear John” letters anymore!) Now to this alcohol problem of yours. You are correct that it isn’t a good sign if you can’t make 24 hours without a tipple. You must have heard the old joke, “What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? Answer: alcoholics have to go to the meetings.” (And I know the joke is probably not PC, but everyone should be able to look a little lightheartedly at life.) But going back to the start of this, if the alcohol you are missing is really under the terminology of plonk, then you probably do need a daily shot, so keep a bottle or two for emergencies. But if you’re like me and have to hang out for Veuve Clicquot (even NV will do, Petal) you learn to curb the cravings.

Dear Hillary,
My Thai boy friend gives in to his family at all times, and now we are an item, the demands are coming in every day, even if it is personal items of jewelry that I have given him. These items get changed into folding money, only problem is that it is my money that he is doling out, not his. And it’s not just a few hundred baht here and there, it’s by the few thousand here and there. I believe that it is the custom in Thailand that children look after their parents, as a matter of duty. I did not know that this covers a grasping avariciousness by the family towards the children. Is this the norm for this country? It seems that the family condones this behavior, and even encourages it.

Dear Rob,
Duty to one’s parents is a well documented part of Thai culture, but how that is applied is not clearly stated. You are obviously worrying because your finances are part of all this, so you should perhaps consider that you have a duty to your bank account, and not to your boyfriend’s parents. However, once you give something to your boyfriend, it is his decision what he does with it. There are many families that are not so avaricious. Petal, the choice is always yours. I think you should seriously review this relationship. From what you are saying, it all seems a little one-sided to me.

Update August 13, 2016

Dear Hillary,

Last week you mentioned “sideline” girls as if they are some sort of different species, so there’s bar girls, sideline girls and “good” girls. Correct? You will have to help me here, Hillary. How do I find the different ones? Or is there any real differences? There’s a big responsibility on you here, Hillary. Lots of men in Pattaya will be directing their future direction in life depending on your answer.



Dear Joe,

You men certainly make things difficult for yourselves, don’t you, my Petal. Why is it so important that you put your latest girlfriend into one of these three categories? Looks to me like finding witches in the middle ages. Dunk the poor woman in water and if she doesn’t drown then she’s a witch. If she does drown, it shows that she wasn’t a witch after all. But fat lot of good that did for the non-witch who was dead by then! However, to make it easier for you, here is the guaranteed Hillary’s Guide to Thai Girls. This guide should be understood before going into the next category up. Starting at the lower end – Bar Girls. Apply the British Standard Duck test here – if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it most probably is a duck. A bar girl will go to bed with you after you pay the bar fine (Mamasan will advise here). She will also want a plate of noodles that night and then scarper with the first chink of light (after the agreed fee for services rendered). Her main job is to work in the bar and get you to buy them copious drinks.

The sideliners are a little different. Their day job is to work in the shop and afterwards get you to take them to an expensive dinner in lieu of a bar fine. They will expect the equivalent of the bar girl’s fee in the morning for servicing and they too will scarper, as they have to get to the office/shop in the morning.

Now the “good girls”. Petal, you and your mates outside the 7-Eleven don’t need to worry about this category, unless your surname is “Na something” and you went to the best schools and your parents know her parents. Graduating from the 7-Eleven academy is not quite select enough, sorry.

So there you are, Petals. There’s only two categories available to you. Both of them will be economical with the truth and both will cost you money! Helpful hint – you can pick up and put down a bar girl at will. The sideliners tend to be more “clingy”. As we say here, “Up to you, Teerak.”


Dear Hillary,

I recently visited the UK for a few days and when I returned found my key would not open the front door. I rang the bell and this man came to the door and told me, in no uncertain terms to eff off. When I told him this was my house he said it wasn’t as it is now in Nok’s name and he will call the police if I pester them again. He said the same applied to my car. I know my Nok, who he would not let me see, would not do this to me without being in some way forced to.

Anyway, since then I have seen a For Sale sign at the house, and on my other one that I also put in her name. I am happy this is Nok’s way of making sure I do not lose out financially and will give me the proceeds when both are sold because I know she truly loves me.

Do you think I should stop her allowance and discontinue sending her family 50,000 baht a month? I do not want her to suffer any hardships because of this bad man, but a little guidance would be appreciated. Sorry I can’t afford chocs or bubbly right now.



Dear Bewildered,

I could be crass and say that “opportunity only ‘Noks’ once” and I think your little cash-rich cashier has responded to the call.

It is time you went to see one of the nice glasses dispensaries around town and get your rose-colored lenses changed for clear ones. Sorry, but your angel Nok will not return to you bearing large parcels of cash from house sales. That notion you should get rid of immediately. If you ever do see her again, it will not be a pleasant meeting.

You ask whether you should “stop her allowance and discontinue sending her family 50,000 baht a month.” That’s about the first bit of real sense so far. When you are so hard up that you cannot even offer me some chocolates and fizz, why would you even contemplate sending 50,000 baht to her family, plus goodness knows what you have been sending to her! Do you realize, my Petal, just how much chocolate and champagne you can buy with 50,000 baht? And I’m talking the good stuff here – Belgian chocs and French fizzwater. And every month too! Oh dearie, dearie me. Why don’t I meet such bewildered buffoons before they throw all their money away? There is a famous quotation, which states that there’s a fool born every minute. You are living proof!

Update August 6, 2016

Dear Hillary,

Is this correct that you are going to get married? Please stop the ceremony right now. The man’s a wastrel. This is not the first time he has attempted to seduce you with offers, financial and otherwise. I can understand your getting lonely, but don’t let your previous high standards slip.

Concerned of Rong Po

Dear Concerned of Rong Po,

No need to worry Petal, though I do thank you for your concerns. I remember him making fun of my favorite floral dress some years back, and he doesn’t improve with age, either. Not even champagne and chocolates will sway me (though a Veuve Clicquot could go close).


Dear Hillary,

I just came from “Festival Center” and noticed an old ugly bench back man argue with his young Thai “girlfriend” at an expensive jewelry booth. She was pointing at very expensive diamonds ring and he try with a slight force to pull her away. He probably pay her huge salary because here the older and uglier you are the higher the salary is so he think he pays her enough not to mention the two shopping bags she already carry on her left arm. My point is we the Farangs don’t care (I do) sometimes how much we pay but we all hate very much to be taken out for a fool.


Dear Gideon,

Why do I get the distinct impression that you are talking about yourself, being ripped off by a gorgeous Thai girl, that you thought was a “girlfriend”, despite a hefty “salary”, though what is a lot for some people is merely nothing relatively. All I can suggest for you is to stop going to “Festival Center” and hanging around young Thai ladies who are window shopping. For all you know, she might have been going to buy him an expensive diamond ring! Then again a squadron of pigs just went by overhead…


Dear Hillary,

I am seriously looking at investing in some diamond jewelry, but with so many shops I don’t know where to start. Can you recommend a place?



Dear Gerald,

Firstly, I don’t have any diamond jewelry, so have no idea about prices, Petal. Secondly, I don’t have one of Gideon’s rich Farangs in the middle of being ripped off (see letter above yours), and thirdly, I am told by those who do know these things, that you should not invest in diamonds unless you really know what to look for, and it isn’t the price tag. And I do remember a street trader in Walking Street advertising “Genuine Cubic Zirconias”. Looked OK too.


Dear Hillary,

I’ve met this girl who has a very small dress shop in one of the malls. Got chatting and asked her out for a beer. English isn’t bad and we’ve done the dinner thingy. What’s the next step? I take it that this is the sort of “good girl” you talk about. I don’t want to rush her into anything, and she seems to make a reasonable living out of her shop. I’m worried that if I suggest she moves in with me that she would give up her shop and I would be expected to make up the shortfall. She says she would be quite happy moving in, but now I’m not so sure. Take the big step or what?



Dear Jon,

If you think it’s a big step, then you’re not ready for it, Petal. Looks to me that your “good girl” may be a “sideliner”, where extra income can be made on the side. You would be making up the shortfall both from the shop and the sideline. Time for you to let things settle and when you have a better understanding of this girl make some decisions. I repeat, do not tackle the big step.


Dear Hillary,

I have been with this one woman for about six years. She was a pretty little thing and I was always happy to be seen with her, but when I came back this time after six weeks in the sand box, she’s turned into a fat toad. I don’t want to be seen with her in case people start to feel sorry for me. What’s my options?



Dear Sam,

You have many options, Petal. You can cut and run, leaving everything you collected in the past six years. You can ignore the weight gain, but hide all cameras. Or the best way – tell her how much you loved her when she was a little petite lady, and can she go on a diet to get down to her original weight again? She will either cut up your trousers (be careful if you’re wearing them at the time), or physically throw you out, or point out your beer belly. That’s about it, Sandy. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. I’m sure she didn’t put on all that weight in six weeks, did she now?.


HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]

Update August 27, 2016

Update August 20, 2016

Update August 13, 2016

Update August 6, 2016